Relationships

I am so at odds with this right now. I have so much turmoil about where I am and where I feel I ought to be, in the manner of relating to women. So many have come and gone, blam, just like that. What is it about me that is pushing them away? Is it me? I have nothing else to grasp onto. No closure from most of them. They meet me, and they are intrigued. There is connection, and then disappearance. over and over again. . .
Is it the women I am attracted to? Is it an age? A youthfulness? There are very specific women who want me. Want to be with me. Willing to make a go at a relationship, yet those women, I do not want. Do I feel this is giving in? Settling? I remind myself that I may very well just not be ready. I am finally over Angela, and settled with myself. I actually feel ok about me. That feels really solid. Maybe the world is telling me, now it is time to love myself again, and walk within love throughout the world. If I choose love, shouldn't it be that love will than choose me? I like the sound of that for sure.
I am made with love. I have so much of it to give. I feel best when I choose decisions based upon love, even though they are sometimes very hard. Anger or hate comes much easier. Love must be tapped into. ahhh such a quest.
I love my children. They are so patient with me. I wonder if they understand me? Do they understand how broken I was? Do they feel that? Do they feel how much I love them when I hold them? I stare at them sometimes and as I am right now, I tear up, with just the thoughts of them in my brain. They have shown me a capacity for love I never knew existed. I am so grateful for that, and for them.
I feel self pity when I talk about my personal relationships. Poor me. What the fuck is up with that? Where does that come from? Rejection is an issue for me. I have to sit with that, and be honest about it. I feel so much more comfortable in scenario's where I look and feel good. On another level though, I am totally over it. I yearn for the challenge. The feeling of control over myself, and my decisions. I do not feel that now. I feel lazy, and unsuccessful. When will I begin the next journey?
Even as I write this, I feel better. I know in my heart I will meet another love. Maybe I already have? I know that I have two little ladies that have my heart all wrapped up. They are more than worth my energy and direction.