Making things happen. .

My phone rang this morning at 3:32 am. It was a pocket dial from Shannon, my sister in law. I never fell back asleep. The girls and I went to bed though at 9:00pm. I was exhausted, Sofia was sick and Emma needed the rest as well. They are actually still sleeping as I write this. My god. . they are beautiful when they sleep. Little angels. . .
So I layed there awake, listening to my Mac tell me it was 4:00. . then 5:00 then 6:00. . 2 and a 1/2 hours of me time. My mind runs a million miles an hour during these times, lots of thoughts and memories, both good and bad. I have been in a rut lately. No big secret. I think everyone can tell when I get into a funk, especially these days. I don't like to be in them but I don't know where I am at right now. I have been feeling really out of it all over again. Lonely, lost, out of control, no plan, unloved, forgotten, and low self esteem. Nice huh? I just read my last blog. Fucking depressing. I think though that I triggered somthing, at least one faction of my life that has been driving me batty. . . that is "Making it happen" for myself. .
I have been in a total whirlwind of what am I going to do and where am I going to live and what not. I just need to start and make it happen the way I want it. I used to be so great at that. I could make anything happen it seemed. I don't exactly know when I lost that and became so helpless but I feel it. I have been wanting a new fun life for myself and the kids. I need music but I don't rightly know that I want the band that I am in currantly. I want a house full of Musicians and climbers and have dinners and late night music jamming. I want health and clarity. . wow. . here it comes. . I want love. I want desire without fear. I want to feel like the days are not for getting by but for living. I am spiritually wracked. I am empty. I want to feel full of connection and meaning. I want to feel. I want to feel. I want to stop confusing the people that I love. I want to live with purpose again. I want yoga, and fitness everyday. I want to hang out and meet new people. I want to backcountry ski. I want to curb my terrible eating. I want to start today.
That was a lot to chew. I am not going to read it. Not today. But I will revisit all that jargun above this. Today. I will find a home. =)

I wonder if anyone else feels like I do. .

Moderately out of control.. I am coasting and I don't like it. I don't appreciate feeling this way. I am trying to chalk it up to this past year but that excuse it wearing thin to me. I cannot seem to get back into a rhythm that I like. I have constant feelings that what I am doing is wrong. That I am screwing things up as I go along here. I want to live. I want to work hard and play harder. . like I used to. Can I find that again? Where does that journey start? I would really like to get a handle on this. I have soooo much to do I feel like. I don't even know where to start. I would like to start to save for another coffee house. I really liked that lifestyle. I would like to start to save for my kids. I would like to get through with my old life. I want to love. . . and not be afraid of it. How am I going to ever feel like that again?
I just got my hours cut at work to three days a week. That is really what our bargain was. . I just got ahead of myself. I need a direction to really push myself and I don't know what that is. . . I'll find it. I think it is just a matter of time. . - M

1st post of 2009

What does that mean? Not a whole lot. Is there significance to 2009 or is it just another rising of the sun that we give cadence to? I'd like to think that is does for me, but I am finding out that it is just another day and another year. I thought that I could leave 2008 behind, and a fresh new day would start, and a re-invigorated life would begin but I struggle still. I am financially strapped, and am in the worst health that I have been in in some time and I am lonely. or. . . am I just in my 30's. hah. That is the question huh? What does it mean to be in your 30's? Does it mean you get to lay down and talk about all the fun things you've done in the past? Do you accept your belly and bad back and say. . "that is just the way it is?"
How about dating? Where the fuck am I with that? I am a mess when it comes to relationships. I helped destroy the one I was in I guess. I have a beautiful girl that seems to truly love me, but I cannot seem to accept it.
The way I enter a room and feel about myself is a direct reflection of how I feel about myself in the grand scheme of the world. I do not feel like much of a part of it. I am clinging to old feelings of dread and when left alone, which I often am, I cannot motivate like I would like. argh. Same old shit. I tell myself how I want to be, but when I attempt it, I seem to fail. What will it take for me to make the step???
I do mot feel in control of my life. I cannot depend on a paycheck. My life costs too much. I don't have a ski pass, and I don't have a climbing membership. Yet last night I went out and spent $70.00! WTF!! On top of that, I drank and ate too much. Exactly what I told myself I wanted to avoid in 20009. I never made a budget, and I haven't made a workout plan! What does that mean? Am I lazy? Depressed? Unwilling to engage in life? I don't know. I am fucking tired of coasting. sooooooooooo sick of it.
I owe a lot in my past life. I am scared of it. I don't have any idea on how to handle it. The CC companies call me all the time, and I have no answer.
This is a major bitch sess. I needed it I think. I am whacked today. I am happy to go and visit my friend though. I have not seen her in 2009 yet. ha ha ha.