Vacation

Steph and I are off to Crested Butte for a 5 day mtn. biking trip with friends. I have never had a woman that was into something like this although I have always dreamed of it. Outdoor activity is such a part of my life, I let it go for so long and I will not do that again. I am really looking forward to seeing how this trip goes. I really like Steph. She and I compliment one another of many levels. I am guarded and unsure, but she is patient. Everyday we are together, it becomes easier to like her. We have some steps to take but I am excited about them. This trip should be a lot of fun with it being out first time out of this craziness together. A chance to be "us" and leave a little bit of the world behind. Sweet. . . . life is good.

Next step. .

Confusion just the same. It is definitely a mental game. I have basically overcome this chapter of a lost marriage. Personal hard feelings are finally starting to lessen and although Angela and I have little to say to one another, we are starting to figure out our space. Heartache fades. . . .
Now for the next step. Starting again in a new town with a new life. I am moving to Denver in August and living in a tiny 811 sq. ft. condo. Gone are the days 8th st. in Loveland and the familiar neighbors. The feeling of coming home after a long trip, the sanctuary of sounds, sights and smells. It is going to be a milestone when I pull out of Loveland for the last time. I bought that house for my wife for her Birthday. It hurt when she told me I never acted with her in mind. That was our dream, and now I no longer share it. Someone else will.
What about the kids? Yesterday, I was told it was a bad idea to come over and see the girls. My heart broke again, because I wanted to hang out with them so badly. I just wanted to hug them and wrestle with them a bit. Angela told me she never felt that I loved her, and now I am scared that the girls might tell me the same? Who is to know? I just want to squeeze them and never let go. It will be bad enough to go from 7 days a week to 3/4 days. Sofia is so little. I want her to be well. I want to explain that life is still fantastic, and that love is what counts. Emma is so smart and level. I believe in the end she will be OK. God, I love them. . .
So next chapter cometh. I am excited for the future. I have family and friends and a great business. I will prevail. Denver. . . here I come baby. You'd better be ready. . . .

Feels so good to be feeling good again. .

That is a great line. Robert Earl Keen has a way with words. If you have never listened to his stuff I highly recommend it. Good ol Americana music. I feel good. The day is beautiful, I am heading to my best friends house to help him on his Studio/Basement. I will be jamming there shortly. Nice!!
I spent yesterday afternoon and evening in the company of great friends. We listened to lots of great music and ate yummy food after blitzing our forearms bouldering for a couple hours. My kind of date for sure. . .ha ha ha. That is it for me today. I smile. . . . . . =-)

guilty as charged. .

Oppressing. That is the weight I feel. I feel guilty as I know there are many who would be desperate for my "problems." Those with real, life changing issues, who would give anything for a shot at my life. When I think about those less fortunate than me, it makes me bummed at myself for allowing myself to slide as I have. What else can I do thought? They are in my face and I cannot get around them, and they are mine. I can only internalize what I feel and can feel for no one else, only empathize.
MotoHaus is struggling. It is not happening the way it needs too and I am saddened by the very idea it may not succeed. Although I have read you need to pull yourself out of the equation when it comes to your business, if it fails, it will feel like a direct reflection on me. Much like my marriage. Why? I think it is the way I am wired. I cannot separate. MotoHaus is me, whether I like it or not. It is as much a part of me as I am a part of it. Losing it will crush me. Add this to my marriage and it will make for a very harrowing year. I am so close. . . . so close. . . .
How much more could I do? Probably lots I expect. But for some reason I am struggling to find a break and some normalcy which is in-turn most likely hurting profits. I could host party after party, and event after event, but at what point can I pull away? Never? shit. . that is not what I want. I want to work smarter . . .not harder. Maybe I'll do a summer party and get some bands lined up. That would probably be fairly easy. hmmm. . .argh. I think also having loost my partner on all this I feel a bit overwhelmed too. To have to tackle all this. I thought I could do it and retain my vigor but I think (at least this week) ha ha that I am burning low. If this was all I had to contend with would I be able to handle it? If I didn't have so much other emotional baggage would that change things? Who fucking cares about that statement. I'd better find the strength because neither of them are going to go away thinking about crap like that. Feel me? That is me in a nutshell these days. All the while trying my dambdest to never show this around the two most important people in my life. Emma and Sofia, who have done nothing to deserve anything but the best childhood. I am looking forward to a nice sleep and a mellow morning tomorrow. I have earned it. rest. . . . sounds good. Peace.

Climb on. .

Yes. I had a great opportunity to go climbing with a wonderful friend, who I have been insistent be my "first time outside" partner. I made is to C. Springs Saturday night and we grubbed and drank with a great bunch of her friends. Then sat around a fire to the wee hours playing guitar and sharing life together. That was a great start of the experience. I am in the mode of meeting new people for sure. I allowed myself to become disastrously and dangerously someone I am truly not. That is scary! I am on the road to re-discovery and included in that is my love of connections and relationships. I believe with all of me, that life is all about relationships, and connection. Everything else is the great stuff in between. Which I love.
So back to the point of this, we woke to a beautiful day and I was really excited to be climbing outside finally!! It had been so long. I remember the feel of placing my hands against the rock, and really feeling and sensing the power and density. The energy of what made the cliff the way in is. . I have missed it dearly. We headed to Red Rock open space, just South of Garden of the Gods.
I agreed to lead and was really excited about it. Climbing has been different this time around for me. I don't have the same fears that I had my last go round. I think it is because of the "Fuck it" attitude that I have currently. It is not a bad thing but I am ready to re-discover my edge and climbing is a great one for me. So my first shot was a really solid 5.10a, the picture above, and I was ready. Like the days of my youth, I held my hands against the rock and went over my old mantra, "Relax, Breathe, trust, enjoy" I am pretty sure a smile broke my face, if I wasn't already smiling. (I had been smiling all weekend) I set myself for my first move and the rest was history for me. Stephanie was a great partner and we have many more climbs together. We compliment each other in so many ways. I push her and she inspires me, that is one of my favorite parts of our relationship. She is also a fantastic climber, with a bit of fear holding her back. . . . but only a little. I remember that fear well, it keeps us centered and grounded with self preservation. The edge. . . .
I am happy to be climbing again. I feel alive and vigorous. I yearn for the climbing life style again. Rogue, free, and spirited. I have an anchor and I deal with it daily. I am happy today. I look forward to climbing MORE!!! ha ha ha ha. . . Steph?? You in??