staring right now at my two little angels. I bought them bunkbeds last night, set them up so we all have our own beds. All in one room! jesus. . Organized Chaos. Somehow we make it work though. It always seems to work out. Even packing all of us into this room at a house I share. I am comfortable, but I am not accepting of this life. I am ready for my own space, and I am ready to start a new life.
Transition has been strange. I call my life between marriage/divorce and being where I am now, transition. It was three years. wow. . . that went fast. I played and raged and fucked and laughed and met and lost and won and cried and hurt and learned. Crazy life is sometimes. . .
I think what brings me here presently is a new job and new emotions. I have a consistent job with a company I love, where I am making decent money and I met a girl that I really fell for. It feels like an opportunity to grow. I lost the girl I think. She was really wonderful, sweet, and sassy, and full of life. I am busy tho. I am a single parent, and my job is tough. She wants more than I can give, and she should not fold on this. It'll do neither of us any good. I woke thinking about her today. and told her so. Not to try and get her back or anything, but I believe in telling others how you feel, and so I did. I really liked her tho. . a lot. I'll miss her.
It is the liking her that makes me pretty happy tho. I haven't felt anything of that nature since my divorce. Women have liked me, but I have been shut down. It is good to hurt a little, and realize that I have it in me to love again.
Do you wake up one day and realize you are ready? Lately I have been really jonesing to meet someone and date. To connect on a stronger level. I loved how I felt with Jena. It was great. Is that a product of being 35? or is it the effect of healing after the hurt? strange that right now I am craving connection. I am definitely lonely. It is cool. I'm not going to die from it, but I'd like to meet someone I like and put some effort into a relationship. I think tho, I should watch out for being needy. Sometimes I get needy when I am hurting a little. I think it drove Angela crazy and maybe even drove a wedge into Jena and mine's relationship. So much to think about when dating with kids tho. I find it hard to be casual about things. . . maybe I am still in repair, and Mayer would say. Im not together, but I'm getting there. Fuck, that resonates pretty well with me right now. I should probably put the kabosh of dating for a while. Get it together again.. .
we'll see. I have 5 days off with the kids. I am broke, and owe a lot of rent and child support. I think we'll get outta dodge and go camping. Peace out. - M
