Transition. .

I think this term helps me to accept where I am. Struggling for the past two years is getting old. I feel like I have no idea of where I am going, I only know where I came from. Is this par for the course? for all of us? I guess so. The past is behind, a closet full of lessons and experience, and we are free to choose what we want from them. Choices. . . free will. . . the light. . . so tough.

The proverbial "darkness." The darkness we choose, over the light, because the light is such a tougher road, filled with indecision, questions, and unanswerable insight. The darkness is where I believe a was. Married, children, a subsequent goal of raising my children and then on to spending my days with Angela. Moderately thougthtless, but fun and full of experiences none-the-less. Is that what Angela was speaking of when she told me I was unhappy? Had I become mundane? It is what I cling too, to make it all make sense. It was easy though. Not gonna lie. It is so muc tougher being here, forced to deal with larger questions such as, "why?" "What now?" "who am I?" I am struggling through these daily. Who is "I?" Why are we a product of how we are viewed?

Is there an answer? Do you wake up and realize that you have is figured out? Or is how you view the world truly dependent on how your mind accepts? Your mind is 100% affected by what your body feels and senses. The fact that we are really here, interacting, speaking to one another, running, feeling. . all of it. Ought that not be enough? What I am doing right now, is a wonder. How do I move past the clutter? I think part of the problem is we are looking for some sort of "answer", when the answer might be, simply that, "this is it." This is what it is, enjoy it, which is really tough to do when you have been conditioned your whole life. The grass is greener options, the "what if" concepts. Getting a hold on these are difficult.

My friend took a 10 day vow of silence, and meditated for 10 hours a day. Truly a journey of the mind. He told me that it is the only true way to get your mind to accept this theory. Your mind accepts what is knows as truth. What is can grasp as reason. Much like, the concept of HOT, comes from touching a stove. There, it understands. Imagine no contact, or stimulation for ten hours. Imagine what the mind does, and where it goes. I am intrigued.

I strive daily to accept where I am at, and calm my mind. Listen to my breathing, and love the moments. Love the Moments. . . .

manage thyself. .

Jesus. Sometimes the rollercoaster of life is absoutely wonderful, and other times, I just don't get it. Why does it have to be so hard? Because nothing great comes easy. . . . right. Got it. hah. Sometimes I feel like I have it under control. My emotions, my thoughts, my direction, and my commitments. Then. . . poof. They feel like they are gone? Am I going nuts? Honestly. I am not staying committed. I am talking about it, but I am cheating myself. Fuck. Why do I do this to myself? argh.
I told myself I was going to take a break from relationships in my life. I was going to focus on myself, and my business. I have not done what I said I was going to to. I am suffering for it. Maybe I am being to hard on myself? Don't know. Maybe I am setting to stiff of goals? That is usually not the case for me. I can crank when I want to. But maybe that was a long time ago. Have I changed? Can I not be the same person I used to be? Do I need to get to know a "new" me? I am 35 this week. I am not the passionate, ambitious 25 year old any more.
I don't even know how I'll spend this birthday. I feel like I don't have really close friends anymore. My closest friends are married and busy. This sounds like a pity party, but it is really just opening up the floodgates of my head.
I am still lonely. Denying it does me no good. I am learning to live with it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I am who I am. I will wake up tomorrow and hit the gym really hard, like I try to do when I am lonely, and push away the emotions. I will go to work and enjoy myself. I really will. . but it seems like at some point in the day, the feeling will come. No one to come home too. . no one to share it all with. I miss my girls so much. They are so close, and yet unreachable on the level I want. I try not to call them, as it upsets Sofia. My babies. . .
Ok. I think I have unloaded enough. It is depressing. ha ha. This is good therapy.

Tomorrow, I will walk like a God. I will tackle the day like Max Mackey. Goals Max. Goals. Focus. Commit! . . . . . .

writing feels good. . . .

You are precious. Gorgeous, and loved by god or whoever you choose to accept into your heart. That is the wonder of private feelings and thought. They are yours to believe and to have faith in. Noone should try to change you or bend your will to theirs. I believe that I am made special, and I am so thankful for that. I try to walk through life with courage yet carry humility in my arms and use it as a weapon against ego and close minded-ness. I think I have always had my own version of what I believe in, and it often does not sit well with the devout, but I could care less. I believe that if there is a god, then he loves me for my thoughts and well as how I carry myself through life. I appreciate the gifts I have and try to be "good" and act as I ought to.

I want to love someone and feel love again. I want to press myself against naked skin and blend together with someone. . . Through the heartbeats that are felt in these times. . . I want to kiss deeply and passionately, and have someone feels how I feel through this act alone. I want to make gorgeous, cloud breaking love and have frustrated, enthusiastic sex and let my masculinity come forth. This is how I live. This is how I am most prized through the world I know. This is the frustration that lies in me. I have this inside, and it is squandered through the days as they pass. I use it for strength, but would rather share it. Using it's power to crush through the waves of days that stand before me.

two days in the orient. . .

So it is tuesday. I have been in Singapore since sunday night, and I love it. Since before I left I have heard it been called, "Asia Light", or "Disney world with less asians," but honestly I couldn't see it, and then I decovered it last night. Dave and I were on our own after the rehearsal (which was chaotic but more on that later) so we got dropped off at a local destination called Riverfront Pointe. We headed to a brewpub for a really over priced drink. The alcohol here is really ridiculously expensive. A bad beer is anywhere from $5 to $10 dollars. I have already paid over $11 but that was at a cheesy mexican joint. A pitcher of margs was $74! hah. so anyhow. . Riverfront was a total ex-pat hangout. Just a bunch of white meatheads all puffed up. The bars were cheesy and the clientel were worse. I cannot believe how bad I wanted to get the fuck out of there. The walk out brought us through a slew of more ridiculous bars and clubs with more of the same, all enshrouded by this wild canopy of colors and shapes. The "Disney World" I had heard about. I have to say though, this is just one area of Singapore. The rest is not like this at all. We actually had to seek this area out. So far, I have encountered nothing but very pleasent people, with a great quality of life. Dave and I have sought out Hawkers, these little food battle zones of cheap authentic food. Incredible! I have eaten great local food for around $3 sing. About $2.50 us. That is what I came here for. Not crappy pub food or shit mexican! For a ton of money too!
I am really glad this is my first Asian experience. I wish I had more time but I have to remember. I shouldn't even be here. John bought me this ticket, so helping with the wedding is part of my duties. Plus, I have been swimming in his olympic size pool daily and working out also. It has been a great vacation so far. Tomorrow night we head to Sentosa, a little island, south of Sing, for cocktials with the entire wedding. Should be a great time. Dave and I have had what we jokingly call, "Max and Dave's great gay adventure." ha ha. It cracks me up everytime. We have been just basically been exploring singapore via train and bus. Walking through shops and taking in whatever we encounter. Today we found a super high end music store, packed with $6,000 gibsons and rare Fenders! All this in the bottom of a random shopping center called Katong shopping center.
The shopping centers are VERY different from what we are used to as Americans. They are more like office building with tightly packed in little boutique business's, specializing from everything from bad Chinese knockoffs to +$5,000 indian rugs. Very surreal. . .
It has been not a big deal at all intaking all the cultures abound in Singapore. Indians, Singaporian, Japanese, Chinese, and ex-pats, all packed in here. I love it. Walking down side streets with all the cultures meddled together is incredible. I am like a kid in a candy store. The food is my favorite so far. So many little food shops, all with there own unique style. I love it. We are off for Indian tonight. yum. Two nights ago we ate crazy indian food off banana leaves, all washed down with over priced heineken beer. Laughing and carrying on with great friends. So much fun. . . so far, not looking forward to returning. ha ha. We'll see on Monday. I am outta here. .. more later. . . Peace. .

First travel across the seas. .

Whew. I just finished a 14 hour flight to Hong Kong. 14 hours, 4 movies, and two meals, locked in a big tube, at 33,000 feet above the ocean. Man. . . . but I am here in Hong Kong. . kind of. .

I really wish I had a layover here in this great city!! I am bummed to be just hanging out in the airport. Kind of like picking up a beautiful guitar, but not being able to play it. Or sitting behind the wheel of a '65 Vette, yet not having the keys.

Being honest, I have always been a bit scared of the unknown. Travel definitely hits a nerve. That I'll be disoriented, or be taken advantage of, or get lost of something. Like most experiences in life though, once I am in it, it is just what it is. Granted, I have not really done anything yet, as I sit in the airport, but I thought I would be nervous arriving, and not know where to go. Quite the opposite. Everyone here has been very open to my lack of knowledge and helped me to my gate. Most of the signs are in english as well. . . whoa. . . the announcer lady over the intercom has a crazy lisp? How did she get this job? ha ha. That is wild.

So I have just a few more hours till I get to singapore and hang out with my friends. I am stoked to see them. whoops. . time to board. I'll be back. . . - M

Been gone a little while. .

Don't know why that is. I guess I have had not much to say? I think more it was a case of me flailing about a little. Sometimes I forget to take time for myself, and I wind up over extending myself, leaving me with no time. My friend Annette helped remind me of that. Time -Space -Solitude. It has been a while since I have focused on that at all. I have been hitting it pretty hard since I moved to Boulder. Lots of people and being out. Lot's of Music too. Add that to my already chaotic life of single parenting and presto. . . I'm out.

The last two days have been really great. I got a lot of stuff done I have needed to get done, and a am all ready for my parents and my kids to come. I will have a full house! I love it though. . maybe a little stressful, But I am stoked. I miss my family terribly. I looked at pictures of Angela, Me and the girls. I had a moment but then it went away. I don't miss her any more. I went to her Facebook and I really could have cared less. Nice. ha ha. That may not mean much to most people but it means a lot to me. I spent a lot of nights and days hurting over her. I am grateful for father time and the loss of emotions.

My life has changed so much in the past year and a half. I thought it would have done me in, but life prevails. I have met some great people this past year. My house mates are really great people. I have connected with one of my great friends, Cheryl. Life is good. I am solid.

I met a girl. I think I like her. I thought I would not feel anything like that again. She is great and I expect nothing to come from it. I am happy with the feeling of being interested. It has been a while.

I am listening to David Gray. It is late. I am groovin man. . . .

another move. .

yeesh. From my house to the Mellow Yellow, to the Brooks tower, to the Highlands, and now to Boulder. All in just over a year. I am over it. But. . . happy. That is the thing right? That is what I always say all people deserve. The right to be happy. I am living in a cool house with some seemingly cool people.
My kids and I have our space and that is important to me. We can bike everywhere we need to go which is fantastic since my car is muy viejo. Boulder seems to offer some really great stuff too. .
I think tonight, the girls and I will make dinner and then maybe bike into town to play on Pearl St, and get Ice Cream! Yes! tomorrow is a BBQ with the Konold's and then Katrina's Birthday. Sunday is all about us again, and fun stuff we want to do. I am really stoked to see my kids this weekend. I miss them all the time. . but by Friday. . it is really hard to stay focused. =) I love the weekends. . . yeehaw.

Feeling trapped

Not Healthy. I am stuck mentally and financially. Financially because the money Angela has come after me for is more than I have. I truly don't know what to do? Mentally because I feel guilty about how this effects me. I should be able to rise above this. My friend Josh Dawson just passed away from cancer he fought for many years. Leaving a wife and child. I cannot imagine that. That is real heartache. So I am trying to balance my own emotions here. I should be stronger but I also want to fight. . FUCK! Not so fun for a saturday. . . . I have to go write checks for more than I have. . this blows. Sorry. this is truly just venting. I'll be more in-depth next time. Grey Saturday. .

Crap. . .

I am at a major junction. My beliefs are crashing. Faith in what I thought were strong morals in in decline. I am emotional right now, so I am venting, but it is where I am at. I want to quit. I want to throw in the towel. I am over people. Trust is fucked. People do whatever they want. wake up and read the bold print Max. I'm either a Martyr, or a sucker. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to inspire. I want to just pay my penance, and fade into the sunset. . . . Maybe I am not cut out for my own love. Maybe I am supposed to learn from all this, and selflessly give what is left of me to my kids. I'll stop listening to those around me, and just listen to what is written. Life is telling me something. Talking is getting me nowhere. . . . . . . don't love me. I have nothing to give. I feel totally and utterly alone. Choices are coming. They are weighty, but they are going to have to be dealt with. I can rely on myself. That is good.

Life. .

so i think I figured something out this past few weeks. When you want change in your life, it is not the act of figuring out where you want to be, that makes you feel solid, but it is the acts of doing the things to get you there that make the difference. I have been feeling a lack of confidence lately in my life. I can dress, walk and act all I want but it does not truly make me feel confident. I think you can have outside validations to give you confidence by doing this, but it does not give you that core confidence. Core confidence flares and pulses through your body and generates energy, usually you can feel it when someone enters a room, or you stand near them. They can make you quiver a little even.
I have been getting back to the things that drive me lately. Exercise (yoga), back country skiing, running, diet, and such. I feel a lot better about myself. I have this ridiculous beard and I love it. I am still not anywhere I want to be physically, but the road to it is great. I love to push myself. I realized I can read all I want but sometimes. . you have to act. I am in it.

El Moto. .

I sold you today. Although you are awesome, you became a thing to me, much like all the things in my life. In the face of loss, it is funny how unimportant stuff becomes to you. I am finding it difficult to notice importance in the items around me. The most important part of my life was watching my children grow around me. . . now I see them 4 days a month. I am hoping they so not forget me. So. . in lieu of this, you became an item. I sold you for $5,000.00. I am pretty frickin proud of myself too. . . bye El Moto.

a reply. . .

This is a Facebook reply to my ex-wife. I did not send it. I cannot seem to find the closure I need in our marriage. It still haunts me after a year. I understand I have to accept that this is just something that "Happened to me." Some people get cancer, or lose their child. The old adage, "whoever told you life was fair lied," seems to fit well here. I still want to shout at her though, and tell her she fucked up a great marriage by being her own therapist. Whatever. I need to get over it. . . someday. . . her is the letter. . It is a response to her telling me she Loves me dearly, and it is too bad the past few years were so brutal. Also, we will have a relationship and blah blah. . .

I understand that I guess. I will always be frustrated that we never gave it a true shot Angela. I know you may have worked it out in your head, but being your own therapist is not trying. We didn't know what we were up against. I loved you so much, and I know you loved me, real love. I felt it and saw it in your eyes. We didn't know how to communicate our feelings and it caused a lot of unnecessary strife in our relationship. I here so many couples talk about a difficult couple years when they are discussing there 40 year marriage.
I didn't enter our marriage and speak my vows thinking I would give up. I thought in our separation we would try to work things out, and give it a try or something at least. It just seems that is was never that bad Angela. The issues we had were stimulated from where we were and what we didn't know. You realized you didn't want to be the person you had allowed yourself to become. I did not like who I was also. We didn't realize what had happened until too late. I am sad. . . . truly sad that you would trade our life that we had built for a new beginning.
I am not saying this to try to convince you of anything. I cannot seem to find closure in this and it hurts still. I feel used, lied to and mistreated in all this. I will never understand how you could have started a relationship with a friend to us. I gave so much of myself to our marriage and I feel like it accounted for nothing.
I am not looking for a pity party, but put yourself in my position. Do you know what it felt like to hear from our regulars about you and Ken? Did you ever consider what it might do to your loving husband? My "trust" capacity is fucked now. There is a wall that I cannot seem to get through when I meet someone. I cannot move forward with a new life because the girls. I love them and we need each other. I cannot find balance. .
I hear about people trying so hard and wanting so bad to have a family, and we let ours go Angela. We let it go. . .
Do you know how many nights I have spent with no sleep trying to figure out what I did to be here? There was such potential in us Angela. What could I have done? I could have done more?
How am I to find closure? I am soured and I am so tired of feeling this way. Can't we have it out with each other or something? Is that it? We never got to be pissed off at one another and really be face to face.
Tell me I'm a fucking asshole for something I did. Tell me I dropped the ball at being a husband! I failed or something but I need something. Tell me how sorry you are for making me go through what I did. Please Angela. . . do I have to just wait till it wears off?
You have never asked me how I am doing? Am I getting along ok? Maybe in passing when I drop the kids off but you have never reached out to me in a year. I was your husband and I feel swept away and traded in for a new model. It killed me to watch you date Ken, feeling the knife wound of betrayal sink deeper each time I saw his fucking Jeep in front of our home. The home we bought together for you on your birthday. I had to leave. . . I couln't bear it another minute. I died out on those concrete steps of my house 5 doors down.
You are not going to get this I decided. It will mean nothing to you. I loved you. I wish that would have tipped the scales. I am looking forward to the day this is all behind me. . . .

Facebook things. .

I just did my "25 thing" Facebook note today and it felt great to put some things out there and share a little of myself with my friends. I have received a number of really nice comments and messages about it. Some people who told me they cried and some that said because of what I wrote, they are now compelled to do theirs as well. I tried to think about me in a whole, and not necessarily where I am now. I am in an interesting crossroads right now and happy to be in it. I am figuring things out daily and more than willing to share myself. Stephanie, since you are reading this, you are very inspiring this way. You are sharp with your words and honest with your emotions. I admire that about you. Writing in my blog is going to be one of my daily/weekly tasks. I love to return to it and read it later.
I am missing my kids again. I'll call them tonight and remind them that Daddy loves them very much. I think that is good enough for them. Constant reminders are part of me... and part of how I love and show love. I gave that out in my 25 things. That was part of Angela's and my falling out. The inability to figure out what we were trying to say to onw another. That is cool. Lesson learned.
My brother wrote a really great song and I love the words. "Time's in need of changing, for better or for worse.. . and only time will tell if it's a blessing or a curse, retrospect so unfamiliar thinking 'bout what's gone. Time will always move so slow but now it's moving on." Time is moving on. . . . I am surfing it.

Making things happen. .

My phone rang this morning at 3:32 am. It was a pocket dial from Shannon, my sister in law. I never fell back asleep. The girls and I went to bed though at 9:00pm. I was exhausted, Sofia was sick and Emma needed the rest as well. They are actually still sleeping as I write this. My god. . they are beautiful when they sleep. Little angels. . .
So I layed there awake, listening to my Mac tell me it was 4:00. . then 5:00 then 6:00. . 2 and a 1/2 hours of me time. My mind runs a million miles an hour during these times, lots of thoughts and memories, both good and bad. I have been in a rut lately. No big secret. I think everyone can tell when I get into a funk, especially these days. I don't like to be in them but I don't know where I am at right now. I have been feeling really out of it all over again. Lonely, lost, out of control, no plan, unloved, forgotten, and low self esteem. Nice huh? I just read my last blog. Fucking depressing. I think though that I triggered somthing, at least one faction of my life that has been driving me batty. . . that is "Making it happen" for myself. .
I have been in a total whirlwind of what am I going to do and where am I going to live and what not. I just need to start and make it happen the way I want it. I used to be so great at that. I could make anything happen it seemed. I don't exactly know when I lost that and became so helpless but I feel it. I have been wanting a new fun life for myself and the kids. I need music but I don't rightly know that I want the band that I am in currantly. I want a house full of Musicians and climbers and have dinners and late night music jamming. I want health and clarity. . wow. . here it comes. . I want love. I want desire without fear. I want to feel like the days are not for getting by but for living. I am spiritually wracked. I am empty. I want to feel full of connection and meaning. I want to feel. I want to feel. I want to stop confusing the people that I love. I want to live with purpose again. I want yoga, and fitness everyday. I want to hang out and meet new people. I want to backcountry ski. I want to curb my terrible eating. I want to start today.
That was a lot to chew. I am not going to read it. Not today. But I will revisit all that jargun above this. Today. I will find a home. =)

I wonder if anyone else feels like I do. .

Moderately out of control.. I am coasting and I don't like it. I don't appreciate feeling this way. I am trying to chalk it up to this past year but that excuse it wearing thin to me. I cannot seem to get back into a rhythm that I like. I have constant feelings that what I am doing is wrong. That I am screwing things up as I go along here. I want to live. I want to work hard and play harder. . like I used to. Can I find that again? Where does that journey start? I would really like to get a handle on this. I have soooo much to do I feel like. I don't even know where to start. I would like to start to save for another coffee house. I really liked that lifestyle. I would like to start to save for my kids. I would like to get through with my old life. I want to love. . . and not be afraid of it. How am I going to ever feel like that again?
I just got my hours cut at work to three days a week. That is really what our bargain was. . I just got ahead of myself. I need a direction to really push myself and I don't know what that is. . . I'll find it. I think it is just a matter of time. . - M

1st post of 2009

What does that mean? Not a whole lot. Is there significance to 2009 or is it just another rising of the sun that we give cadence to? I'd like to think that is does for me, but I am finding out that it is just another day and another year. I thought that I could leave 2008 behind, and a fresh new day would start, and a re-invigorated life would begin but I struggle still. I am financially strapped, and am in the worst health that I have been in in some time and I am lonely. or. . . am I just in my 30's. hah. That is the question huh? What does it mean to be in your 30's? Does it mean you get to lay down and talk about all the fun things you've done in the past? Do you accept your belly and bad back and say. . "that is just the way it is?"
How about dating? Where the fuck am I with that? I am a mess when it comes to relationships. I helped destroy the one I was in I guess. I have a beautiful girl that seems to truly love me, but I cannot seem to accept it.
The way I enter a room and feel about myself is a direct reflection of how I feel about myself in the grand scheme of the world. I do not feel like much of a part of it. I am clinging to old feelings of dread and when left alone, which I often am, I cannot motivate like I would like. argh. Same old shit. I tell myself how I want to be, but when I attempt it, I seem to fail. What will it take for me to make the step???
I do mot feel in control of my life. I cannot depend on a paycheck. My life costs too much. I don't have a ski pass, and I don't have a climbing membership. Yet last night I went out and spent $70.00! WTF!! On top of that, I drank and ate too much. Exactly what I told myself I wanted to avoid in 20009. I never made a budget, and I haven't made a workout plan! What does that mean? Am I lazy? Depressed? Unwilling to engage in life? I don't know. I am fucking tired of coasting. sooooooooooo sick of it.
I owe a lot in my past life. I am scared of it. I don't have any idea on how to handle it. The CC companies call me all the time, and I have no answer.
This is a major bitch sess. I needed it I think. I am whacked today. I am happy to go and visit my friend though. I have not seen her in 2009 yet. ha ha ha.