manage thyself. .

Jesus. Sometimes the rollercoaster of life is absoutely wonderful, and other times, I just don't get it. Why does it have to be so hard? Because nothing great comes easy. . . . right. Got it. hah. Sometimes I feel like I have it under control. My emotions, my thoughts, my direction, and my commitments. Then. . . poof. They feel like they are gone? Am I going nuts? Honestly. I am not staying committed. I am talking about it, but I am cheating myself. Fuck. Why do I do this to myself? argh.
I told myself I was going to take a break from relationships in my life. I was going to focus on myself, and my business. I have not done what I said I was going to to. I am suffering for it. Maybe I am being to hard on myself? Don't know. Maybe I am setting to stiff of goals? That is usually not the case for me. I can crank when I want to. But maybe that was a long time ago. Have I changed? Can I not be the same person I used to be? Do I need to get to know a "new" me? I am 35 this week. I am not the passionate, ambitious 25 year old any more.
I don't even know how I'll spend this birthday. I feel like I don't have really close friends anymore. My closest friends are married and busy. This sounds like a pity party, but it is really just opening up the floodgates of my head.
I am still lonely. Denying it does me no good. I am learning to live with it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I am who I am. I will wake up tomorrow and hit the gym really hard, like I try to do when I am lonely, and push away the emotions. I will go to work and enjoy myself. I really will. . but it seems like at some point in the day, the feeling will come. No one to come home too. . no one to share it all with. I miss my girls so much. They are so close, and yet unreachable on the level I want. I try not to call them, as it upsets Sofia. My babies. . .
Ok. I think I have unloaded enough. It is depressing. ha ha. This is good therapy.

Tomorrow, I will walk like a God. I will tackle the day like Max Mackey. Goals Max. Goals. Focus. Commit! . . . . . .

writing feels good. . . .

You are precious. Gorgeous, and loved by god or whoever you choose to accept into your heart. That is the wonder of private feelings and thought. They are yours to believe and to have faith in. Noone should try to change you or bend your will to theirs. I believe that I am made special, and I am so thankful for that. I try to walk through life with courage yet carry humility in my arms and use it as a weapon against ego and close minded-ness. I think I have always had my own version of what I believe in, and it often does not sit well with the devout, but I could care less. I believe that if there is a god, then he loves me for my thoughts and well as how I carry myself through life. I appreciate the gifts I have and try to be "good" and act as I ought to.

I want to love someone and feel love again. I want to press myself against naked skin and blend together with someone. . . Through the heartbeats that are felt in these times. . . I want to kiss deeply and passionately, and have someone feels how I feel through this act alone. I want to make gorgeous, cloud breaking love and have frustrated, enthusiastic sex and let my masculinity come forth. This is how I live. This is how I am most prized through the world I know. This is the frustration that lies in me. I have this inside, and it is squandered through the days as they pass. I use it for strength, but would rather share it. Using it's power to crush through the waves of days that stand before me.