Forward Momentum. .

Off to Denver tonight. I am looking forward to getting the Girls and I out of town where I can be alive and mentally stable. =-) I definitely feel cluttered up here. I like the forward momentum that I feel when I am out of town. I am sitting for a friend in Wash Park. I have not spent a lot of time down there and am stoked to check it out. I think the park until the girls are exhausted and then Pizza and a movie sounds great to me.
I friend turned me onto a book. It is about Divorce from the eyes of children. These are accounts from present day adults who have gone through this. I am excited to view all this from their eyes. I continuously feel terrible for them. That they have to go through this due to their parents fucking selfishness. I have a goal though, which is to lead them with all that I can learn. To be a better Father and guide then I have ever been. To make a commitment to bettering myself for them is about the best I can give. They need all of me. I am stoked to give that to them.
Oh yea. Going climbing with Steph on Sunday. It is going to be a lot of work to get myself down there but it will all be worth it when I get to place my hands against the rock. Feel its familiar texture. Grasp on conviction and pull my body up with it's own force. I love to climb and I am stoked to finally get to be outside. Soon. . . .

a heavy heart. .

Boy. I am really in for it I think. I just got through with a really stellar week with my girls and Angela just came to get them. I cannot believe how hard it feels like it is going to be when I only see them on the weekends. My time just got cut in half? How is one supposed to deal with that? I am sure I'll get used to it. They are my babies. I love them so fucking much it brings me to my knees sometimes.
Being super strong for them is the name of the game though. Showing them Culture, and People and City life. Denver is going to be great for all three of us. We'll be a great team for sure. =-) Lot's to do and things to see. It will be good. . . . .
I find myself recollecting a lot these days. About them being so small, and fragile. All the Birthdays, and Christmas's. The sledding days, and trips to the mountains. First steps and words. Bike rides and falls and cuts. Potty training, and sickness's. I loved all of it with these two little saints. We were a good family, no matter how it ended up. Solid and steady. Too bad about life sometime. Although I can see the good in it, it is anger that really motivates me past it. I look forward to a day when I do not need that. I'll see everything a lot more clearly.
Tomorrow is another day. My friend is coming over for Sushi and a Movie. That sounds good to me. =-) Better fire up the Beemer. . . .

A nice day. .

Sometimes a nice day is all you need. Just a leisurely lazy day of waking up late and taking your time. Today, the girls and I plan to head for the Boulder Creek Festival, filled with bodies, and warmth, and Sunshine, Music, Yoga, and general good will. I am really looking forward to getting out of Loveland. I am happy when I leave and can return to myself without the oppressing feeling of loss. I am with my girls today. I am a happy man. A nice day awaits.

True ass kicking. .

So I checked one of the items off of my, "Things I want to do before I move" page. I have always wanted to ride my bicycle from mi casa in Loveland to Estes Park. Not sure why I have wanted to do this. It is a good 70 mile round trip, which is a undertaking for sure. I like to push myself and see how much I can take. I used to so it a lot more often, and am enjoying it again in life.
I started off on Thursday at 9:00am with my friend Adam. We started off together but I like to crank and he is more of a spinner. I would wait for him intermittently, but really road my own ride. I love to listen to tunes while I ride and Peter Gabriel, John Mayer and Metallica were my companions on this trip. Sorry Nicole. I cannot help it. . music makes the experience for me.
So it was two and a half hours up. Literally. 7 flat miles and 28 uphill. Sweet. I love my bike for how it handles. It is an old Diamond Back steely frame but it has a lot of gumption and we do well together. I named it the Red Devil. =-) The weather was a little wet and cold, but it kept my temperature down, and made for a good ride up. I really handled myself and my pace well. I actually did a lot better than I thought I would initially. The sun burst out, right when I got to the top and made for a sweet victory. I was all smiles for sure! I grubbed on some Peanut Butter Crackers and waited for Adam.
So little did I know, Loveland/Greeley/Fort Collins was getting fucking punished by weather. Tornado's had touched down all over and wrecked Windsor. Schools went into lock-down and in-general, there was panic all over. If you don't know, we do not usually get this sort of weather and there is NO warning for it. The big guy that ripped through Windsor was 3/4 to a mile wide. Fuck!!
After a bit we headed down and got our fair share. Head wind the whole way down, through all kinds of rain, sleet, Hail and more. Very crazy ride home. I was soaked to the bone and very tired after all that. I got home, chowed some Tacos and passed out for 15 minutes. Then I turned on the news and got an ear full.
All said and done, I wouldn't have had it any other way. Craziness is what make adventures memorable. I love the unknown and look forward to tackling what ever comes my way. Ride On!!

A vacaton from my fragile ego. .

What is it about human behavior that allows us to be envious of what other people have when really, what we have is better? I guess that is the basis for jealousy and envy? This was the week that Angela and I were to go to Spain together. The dream of every young couple with kids. Work hard and play hard. Well in the aftermath of our demise, she is off to Spain and I am here. Right? WTF? Don't worry, that is how I felt too. She leaves the relationship and then gets to go to Spain? I stay home with the kids to boot? Hah.
So what I am relearning about myself is my ability to see the greatness in my present situation. I have always been able to do this, but I think over the past years I have become more cynical, and had a bitchier attitude. Forward to this week. I had decided not to go in lieu of her dating my friend and pissing me the fuck off. =-) But I did schedule a huge motorcycle trip, one that I was really looking forward too. I friend interveined and basically told me that I needed to stay and watch the kids, and that if anyone needed to be a leader in this breakup, for the sake of the girls, it needed to be me. We'll that pissing me off for the day but then it kind of swapped gears for the better. I already scheduled myself off for the week. Angela would be gone so I wouldn't have to see her everyday. I'd have the girls all to myself, and I got to play during the day since both kids are in school. wow. It started to sound really great. and let me tell you it is. It is Thursday and I have had a great fucking week. =-) The part that was requiring me to be a pisser was my ego getting in the way. I felt slighted and was being a pussy about the whole thing.
Daddy time is really precious to me currently. I am so sick of guys saying, "wow, you are single? I am jealous!" Fuck you man, I am making the best of it, but think about what you are saying. I am going from seeing my beautiful baby girls from 7 days a week, to three. That is crushing, and I am actually a little nervous on how I will be. They are my rock in life. My anchor. I love them with all of me and they feed my very insides daily. Again. I will work hard to build this business for their future. That is my goal but really in the end of my life, I will be the guy saying, I wish I wold have spent more time with my kids. This is a tough choice. I have ten weeks till my move. Lots of Daddy time. .. . This week is a blessing in disguise. Thank you Nora for being in my face. I owe you big time for this one. . . Peace.

Chicks and Bikes. . .

Days after the "Saying Goodbye" spiel, I feel pretty good. I definitely feel liss inclinded about my panic of losing my family. I think the symbolism going on here is now that I accepted it, I don't have to stress about losing my family. It is gone, and therefore, there is nothing I can do. Make sense? Probably. I was the only one who wasn't able to see it. It was just really hard to do.
After fucking up on the Carbs, I pulled them again yesterday, and rebuilt them this time for good. I changed the oil last night and got my Seat back from Steve Gowing. I great friend and incredible seat maker. The bike looks pretty good and I feel strongly it will be my trusty steed and get me through this ride. I have done the followingl; new tires, new ignition, replace final drive, rebuilt carbs, valve adjustment, fork fluid, oil, and final drive fluid. Install bags and the seat. I have only to get the bike tuned and I am raring to go!! The shot above is after her maiden voyage to MotoHaus this AM. It ran ok but definitely needs the tune, and carb sync.
Today Angela said congrats on getting the bike running but it was filled with all sorts of hidden meaning methinks. She had some sort of weird jealousy towards my love of Motorcycles, like I chose them over her. It is weird. This new friend I have thinks it is wonderful that I have an outlet like motorcycles, which is how I feel. I have great Zen moments in the garage, hunched over and cleaning and reassembling parts. It makes me feel great to take something that has been neglected and get it back on the road. Maybe that is why I have such an affinity towards Older Bikes. I connect with them on such a different level, than with newer bikes. I will miss my garage when I move to Denver. . . . . for sure.

Cleaning Carbs. .

Do you have someone that makes you feel good? That is a pretty substantial question but I find it amazing the effect different people have on each other. My Marriage just ended with a woman who at the end just didn't seem to want to be around me. Maybe she never really liked what I stood for, who knows really. What I do know is we were never able to be really comfortable around each other. I jump to my present time and I have met a woman who is opposite my wife in almost all ways. Without going into too much detail, the quality I enjoy the most about our relationship is our ability to talk and communicate openly. This may come from the backlash of a non-communicative relationship, which I swore I would never be in again, or maybe it is because we are is similar situations. She has been there for me throughout this ordeal I am dealing with and I get to be a shoulder for her. I find myself looking forward to hearing about her day and our evening talks. It is wonderful.
Let me tell you that I am guarded. I have a mission and a plan, which I will no longer deviate from. MotoHaus will grow with me at the helm. I have been flailing around for way too long. I feel that it is all I have left from my six year marriage, are my beautiful kids and my beloved Coffee House. I will lead them both to greatness. I can feel it. I will continue with them as my major focus and hopefully someday I will be able to share myself with someone again. Someday. . . but not now.
So last night we chatted while I cleaned the Carbs on my BMW. I had the phone on speaker while I pulled apart the atmospheric chamber and cleaned and polished the slide. We talked about the day she had as the Pilot Jet was removed and cleaned out. The Pilot Jet is your low idle jet. This has to be cleaned and unobstructed for your bike to idle well. Onto talks of climbs we are wanting to do, as the heinous amounts of carb cleaner are dispensed to get all the gunk off. This poor bike had a tough end to it's life. Maybe I should get into the bike I am building back for the road trip. I think the next blog I will do that. I'd better finish this train of thought.
I think relationships are the most important investment we can make. I am super happy about this one. I have lot's of friends and family but to have someone to share you day and be genuinely interested in how their day was is great. It feels easy and I look forward to our talks nightly. I would wish this for everyone. Life is tough and being able to share it someone is very helpful. Also to offer your shoulder to someone else's problems reminds us that we are giving and loving. Cheers. I am losing my train of thought still so I'll be back later. - m

First day of the rest of my life.

Saturday May 10th I told my wife goodbye. For most that doesn't mean shit. For me it was very symbolic. I realized not long before that, she had said it to me in so many different ways long ago. She was gone from me. This is the journey that takes place after something like this happens. When all that you think your life was going to be changes, when the road you had layed out for yourself goes haywire, and for those, like me who have the gumption, the journey into healing and what went wrong.
I am not one of the types to run out and get laid to make myself feel better, although it is sounding better and better everyday. Mindless sex to take the pain away. Maybe it will be just fine and maybe it won't. Who the fuck knows. I have resisted that thus far and don't necessarily plan on that road. My friends are encouraging me too. I have never had a problem in that department. Women do not scare me and I have a great gift of people. I like the cat and mouse chase that goes along with being single. Maybe closing the deal a couple of times won't be so bad. . . . it is a tough world out there though. Although I am fixed from having any more babies, I can still get stung with the STD thing. Blah. That sucks. .
I am going to take a 6 day trip on a BMW Motorcycle and try my hand at blogging my days and my thoughts. I cancelled my trip with my soon to be ex-wife as she is seeing my friend already and I am not sure I can contend with that. I thought I had the strength to try to win her back, but in the end, her decision was to move on. More on that later. . . On this trip I hope to sort my thoughts and feelings out a bit more. Time and relaxation is going to be the name of this trip. I am going to read, write and ride a lot. My journey will take me SW out of Colorado, into New Mexico and Arizona, Utah and home. Trying to get a grasp on the next stages of my life is daunting, and nothing I choose to tackle to quickly. I have a tendency to want to take action, at least that is what my big brother Oscar told me yesterday, and he is correct. That is me in a nutshell. I will ride this one a bit slower, and try to just enjoy the ability to finally get out on my motorcycle, one of the things I love the most.
The next few Blogs will be about getting myself ready for this trip. The Bike and the work that is required to make it happen. I love old Beemers. They connect to me like a long time surfer on a long board. You can truly find your soul on a BMW Airhead motorcycle. I have 5 and wish I could keep them all. Peace. Be back soon. - M