Three years. . give or take. That is how long it has been since Angela first told me she wanted to separate. I believe it is three years this Christmas. She told me right before. Nice huh? Merry Christmas. I remember being so upset. I wanted to run. I had worked so hard for my family, at least with the best of intentions. I have learned alot about myself in these past years. That sometimes 'Good intentions' can be fueled by the self, and what not. That is an entirely different post, to be tackled later.
Today I deposited $3,000 into Angela's account. That is on top of the $800 I pay her. I got a "we need to talk" response. I am nervous. I am still nervous from the day three years ago when she probably said, "we need to talk." I hope I am wrong. I feel she is going to say she wants more. . always more, always more. It is so fucking hard to be attached to her. I have 11 more years of this shit. She has no idea what some women go through with their ex's. I want to make a stand so bad. To tell her to fuck off. To drag her to court. I know who suffers though. Me. The girls. All of us. No one wins in that situation, so I try to take the high road. Remind myself the money isn't important anyway. It's a hard test though. To work so hard and then give it away. I am trying to get ahead myself, and I keep taking steps backwards. Fuck.
Part of me wants to run away to Greece. On a little island where no one can find me. ( that is me whining ) Of course I could never leave my girls. They are everything to me. I'll beat this thing ad move on. I always do. I need to sell a motorcycle and pay her off once and for all. Then she can fuck off for real.
I have been looking for property in Fort Collins. To be closer to my kids. I don't know what I'll do for work, but I'll figure it out. Maybe open another coffee house? School? Something. I look forward to week on with my kids and week off. I cannot wait to offer them real summers where they are not two weeks here and two weeks there. . but to be signed up for soccer and softball or what ever they want. And be able to do it. That schedule is what makes me want to go back to school and get my masters degree, so I have summers free with the girls. And real trips around the globe. Not a week here of three days there, but a month! yes! Sounds good to me. . .
My thoughts for the day. There you go world. I still have no idea what lays in store for me when I speak to Angela. I hate this shit. . . . ugh. . . Just want to get it over with.
