I think this term helps me to accept where I am. Struggling for the past two years is getting old. I feel like I have no idea of where I am going, I only know where I came from. Is this par for the course? for all of us? I guess so. The past is behind, a closet full of lessons and experience, and we are free to choose what we want from them. Choices. . . free will. . . the light. . . so tough.
The proverbial "darkness." The darkness we choose, over the light, because the light is such a tougher road, filled with indecision, questions, and unanswerable insight. The darkness is where I believe a was. Married, children, a subsequent goal of raising my children and then on to spending my days with Angela. Moderately thougthtless, but fun and full of experiences none-the-less. Is that what Angela was speaking of when she told me I was unhappy? Had I become mundane? It is what I cling too, to make it all make sense. It was easy though. Not gonna lie. It is so muc tougher being here, forced to deal with larger questions such as, "why?" "What now?" "who am I?" I am struggling through these daily. Who is "I?" Why are we a product of how we are viewed?
Is there an answer? Do you wake up and realize that you have is figured out? Or is how you view the world truly dependent on how your mind accepts? Your mind is 100% affected by what your body feels and senses. The fact that we are really here, interacting, speaking to one another, running, feeling. . all of it. Ought that not be enough? What I am doing right now, is a wonder. How do I move past the clutter? I think part of the problem is we are looking for some sort of "answer", when the answer might be, simply that, "this is it." This is what it is, enjoy it, which is really tough to do when you have been conditioned your whole life. The grass is greener options, the "what if" concepts. Getting a hold on these are difficult.
My friend took a 10 day vow of silence, and meditated for 10 hours a day. Truly a journey of the mind. He told me that it is the only true way to get your mind to accept this theory. Your mind accepts what is knows as truth. What is can grasp as reason. Much like, the concept of HOT, comes from touching a stove. There, it understands. Imagine no contact, or stimulation for ten hours. Imagine what the mind does, and where it goes. I am intrigued.
I strive daily to accept where I am at, and calm my mind. Listen to my breathing, and love the moments. Love the Moments. . . .
