A gorgeous December day. .

This is why I will never leave CO. It is 45 degrees outside and feels warmer than that out in the sun. I just had a stellar night last night with awesome new friends, and had a great day at work today. I fell like I could take on the world on days like today. The energy I have inside me is astounding. I was built well, and I am thankful for that. I am going to spend the rest of the day outside and then I have band practice and a date with my friend who I love to be around.
Isn't it funny how life is. One year ago, I was very different. . . . . . .

Farewell old friend. .

Friday I spent the afternoon with my sick buddy. Angela got Niko in 1999 when we were just dating but couldn't keep him at her apartment, so I raised him at the 100 Mile House, in Broomfield. When we married a year later, he became my only Boy, in a house of girls. =-) Harley came a little later. . .
He got cancer this winter, and died on Saturday, December 6th. The girls and I went back to Angela's house on Friday after school and spent a few more hours with him. I explained to them that he was sick and would not be there when we got back on Sunday night. They were shocked and sad, as they should be when you lose your friend. We spent the night decorating for Christmas and passing the time talking about Niko and memories we shared. I remember him for his cumming ability to escape and never get caught. I also remember his patience with the girls as they grew and climbed all over him. He barked at the door to always let us know when someone was there, and I always felt safe to have the girls home when he was there.
He was such a great dog. He was an amazing companion to a young family. He was a great boy for me. I will miss him so much. It hurts to think of him gone. Life is a timeline of snapshots. I have many of him. I am thankful I got to know him so well. I love you Niko Mujica. I'll see you again. . . . .

3:11 am on Halloween Night . . .

I am out of my head. I just walked through the city . . . about 20 blocks through a maze of concrete, steel, and tripping people. That was truly surreal. I am having a great time. sweet. . . .

shit. . it is really sunny. . .

I think I will go out and find someone to throw the frisbee with down at the park. That sounds great. ha ha ha ha.

"freedom's just another word for",

"Nothing left to lose." That line, from Kris Kristofferson has so much intrinsic meaning to me these days. For so long I have been struggling. . almost a year now, and for a spirit like mine, that is normally airy, easy-going, and full of energy, that is a long time. The weight of a crushing divorce, hearing my child cry because I am no longer at home, and finally loss of mu business felt like a lot. and in the grand scheme of things, it was. Now, that I have blasted through most of it, and I am settling into a new life of sorts, I am seeing it all in a different light I think.
What is life? What does it all mean? What is our purpose? Who the fuck knows. . . I am realizing it is flying by so fast. My life. My precious life is moving by me and I had forgotten how to live for myself. I spent so much time trying to live for my wife and kids that I truly forgot about Max Mackey. oh my god. . how did that occur? Inherantly, this is my life. Angela has her life, and my kids will have theirs. Why did I think I needed to prove to them I was willing to sacrifice everything for them. They never asked that from me. hah. Pre-concieved notions are a bitch.
The reality of it is, whatever our reason for being here on this world is, it is ours. Ours alone. Is that selfish. Nope. I don't think so. Living your life for yourself creates a better person in you, and that inturn, put's you in a better spot in life for the rest of us. For so long I have been preching, everyone deserves to be happy, but I've not said it to myself. I want to be happy. I want to surround myself with people that I love, and love me for myself, and have the guts to go and sit next to a complete stranger and introduce myself and make a new friend. To try new things I have never done, and improve myself in the things that I do. You know what I call that? Living. L.I.V.I.N. - m
p.s. Sometimes you have to get hit really hard to see what your made of, and get back up.

struggling still. . . I am over it. .

Milestones. . . and loss. They are ever prevalent in my life right now. I felt like I was on a role with seeing past all this, but then something else rears up to cloud my view. 2008 has not been good to me. I can see the good things that I have and thank god for them or I'd really be in some shit. This Friday marks the end of my beloved business. I know that you are not supposed to attach yourself to your business but how can I not. I put my heart into it. The loss is looming in front of me. . I have 5 days. I saw today that Angela put Divorced on her myspace profile. I guess that makes it all more real to me. Today is the most beautiful day I have seen in a long time. The snow on the mountains against a clear blue Colorado day. I see it. I cannot feel it. Not today. Maybe next week.
Trust. I am hurting in this manner. It is broken? When I start something, it is in my nature to believe I can do it, and never give up. Maybe that is a flaw or maybe it is a gift. I trusted 100 Mile House to deliver, and then Dave gave up. I learned to trust again, and married Angela. Gave her a vow as she did me, and she gave up. MotoHaus feels like the final straw. Maybe I am destined to go it on my own. . . . that idea feels lonely.
Fuck. I hate it when I start the week with this mental state. Fuck it. Life is still good. I don't want to be a downer. . . . .

frustrated. .

This is a tough day. Started by bankruptcy process. I will have to come up with $4001.00 to my lawyer and $299.00 in court fees. They will take my house. They will close my business down. I will financially fucked for so long. I have already lost so much. I will not get any money back on taxes, but I have to pay the tax person $1,000.00. Fat Chance. I am feeling the need to crawl away and lay still in the dark for a long time. This year has been tough. I don't feel success on any level. I am thankful for the days and my children's health. I cannot believe after so much effort and strife I walk away with nothing but heartache. I have already plagued myself with the why-me's and I won't do that anymore. I know will head to Angela's house to start the divorce work. I am feeling really fucking selfish right now after all this. Why should I care about her or anyone else for that matter. I want to reside in my selfishness and not be bothered my anyone. I have that feeling where I want to book a flight under a false name, get off the plane somewhere and start again. Where noone knows Max Mackey, and noone cares.
I'll be 34 this month. I have nothing of value to show for it. Nothing to show for the hard work I did on the house. Nothing to show of the effort in my marriage. Heartache from my beloved business. What a waste I feel right now. I can't stand feeling this way. I just want to go home. . .

Big Days. .

So this is my girls first day back to school. I wish so bad I could be there with them. To hold them and tell them how proud I am of them. To show them I love them more than anything. To be a part of these days. Maybe they're nervous? Excited? I will have to ask them on Friday. I wrote them a letter today, and I will every Monday if I can. I will pursue them as much as I always have. Being away only has to feel as far away as I let it. Do I wish I could be with them everyday?? To be present as they grow and mature into beautiful young women. Yes. But what is . . . is. I am in acceptance mode these days. Decisions have been made and now it is time to make the best of them. No matter how hard they may be.
I love you Emma Rose Mackey. Good luck in First Grade honey. You make me so proud. . . .
I love you too my darling Sofia Grace. If you are nervous today going into Kindergarten, remember Daddy loves you, and don't be scared. I am sending you squeezes and hugs. I love you both so much. . . . . . so much. . . .

Musical Friends. . .

One of my most prized and valuable fortunes are the friends I have made musically. Musicians are a very unique breed of people. Creative and artistic and emotional. With that spectrum lies many strange characters for sure. When you connect with folks musically though, it creates a very special bond, that is tough as nails. Some of the greatest people in my life I have connected through music. I love you guys so much. . . you know who you are. I feel so fortunate to have stood beside you and laid it out there for the world to hear and ingest. You are as much me as I am you. We are brothers. . . .

So I am off to play the biggest festival I have ever been able to play in. THUNK is playing with some major acts. There is going to be some big open jams late night and I plan on finding the guts to get up on stage and jam with these guys. What better way to find you edge and expand it. I am nervous as hell but what the fuck? Who cares. I am where I am musically. I feel good about it and cannot wait to put it out there. Sweet!! Looking forward to a good old fashion blow out. . .

Off to do Denver things. .

Girls and I are off to the Aqaurium. Our first excursion. I'll take pics and get back to you. We're going to ride our bikes. . . now where is that sunscreen? . . . .

New Home

so we made it. . . I am a Denverite. I live in a little tiny 700 square foot studio, my shit is all over the place, and I love it. I am stoked. I think mainly I finally have mental respite from all the mayhem with Angela. I have moved on, just like everyone has said for the past months. I am excited all over again and I can honestly say I hope Angela finds what she is looking for. I get parking next month, and that will be the icing on the cake. It is kind of chaotic right now, but once I get my space I can bring El Moto down with me too, which I am excited about. I am on the hunt for anothe MotoHaus Location next week too. I am stoked about that for sure. I get to do it again and meet all sorts of new faces and make new relationships. Here I come. . . .

Hectic week. .

That is just the deal-i-o though. Here it is. It is Sunday. I am packing to move. Tomorrow I have to open MotoHaus and then at 2:00 me and the girls will; do Motohaus Deposit, get home, pack up as many boxes as I can fit and Bicycles, drive to Denver, pay deposit and 1st month's rent, load stuff upstairs, drive back to loveland, softball at 8pm for the last game of season, and then to Angela's for bed. Get home and pack some more. Tues, Open MotoHaus, then rent Storage unit, pack and shuffle until it is mostly gone, clean, bed. Wednesday, Open MotoHaus, More of the same. .. etc etc. .. shit. . . bring it!!

Step A. .

It is 4:57. I am about to go and do my "Separation Agreement". I am actually pretty cool right now to be honest. I have needed every ounce of this 6 months to be where I am at and I understand there will be more hard times. But life it good. This is just another step. I'll be alright, and so will me beloved babies. I love them. . . they give me strength. I will kick ass for them. . . .

struggling today. .

Today Angela turned 30. I have this thing with birthdays. I love to celebrate and not take them for granted. It is the day we were born and I think it is remarkable. I am thinking about her today and I cannot help it. It is the little things I am not prepared for that make all this difficult. My kids are spending the day with Ken and then they will all celebrate it together. Where am I? I am ready to get off of work and make myself busy. Get this day over with. . . .
My soon to be ex-father in law called today to order coffee. I don't know what to say to him. I struggle with her family and although I know they don't deserve it nor do I know why I am mad at them I cannot help it. I think it is because at some point they will have to validate her relationship with Ken and I have to picture them all together. That fucking hurts. Fucking Pride. I wish I was able to just cut that part out of me. Anyhoo. . . . those with my thoughts today.

Time in the mountains is time well spent.

Spent the weekend with great friends, old and new. I love reconnecting just as much as connecting. Cheryl and I will always have a special bond, and it was great to spend the weekend with her and her friends. Steph and I were awesome travel companions. From picking her up at T-Rex parking lot to the return drive home, we just had a wonderful time. The weather was unbelievably cooperative, and the mountain biking. . . superb. Took an epiic, 30+ mile ride on Deer Creek and had the time of my life. I really needed this trip. I missed my girls at the Fireworks display, which was yet another milestone. It moderately shattered my mood as I felt the weight of what I am dealing with, all the way in CB.
I like this picture Steph took. I look like I feel these days. Very contemplative. It was taken at the top of Cottonwood pass on the way to CB. sweet. . . . .

Vacation

Steph and I are off to Crested Butte for a 5 day mtn. biking trip with friends. I have never had a woman that was into something like this although I have always dreamed of it. Outdoor activity is such a part of my life, I let it go for so long and I will not do that again. I am really looking forward to seeing how this trip goes. I really like Steph. She and I compliment one another of many levels. I am guarded and unsure, but she is patient. Everyday we are together, it becomes easier to like her. We have some steps to take but I am excited about them. This trip should be a lot of fun with it being out first time out of this craziness together. A chance to be "us" and leave a little bit of the world behind. Sweet. . . . life is good.

Next step. .

Confusion just the same. It is definitely a mental game. I have basically overcome this chapter of a lost marriage. Personal hard feelings are finally starting to lessen and although Angela and I have little to say to one another, we are starting to figure out our space. Heartache fades. . . .
Now for the next step. Starting again in a new town with a new life. I am moving to Denver in August and living in a tiny 811 sq. ft. condo. Gone are the days 8th st. in Loveland and the familiar neighbors. The feeling of coming home after a long trip, the sanctuary of sounds, sights and smells. It is going to be a milestone when I pull out of Loveland for the last time. I bought that house for my wife for her Birthday. It hurt when she told me I never acted with her in mind. That was our dream, and now I no longer share it. Someone else will.
What about the kids? Yesterday, I was told it was a bad idea to come over and see the girls. My heart broke again, because I wanted to hang out with them so badly. I just wanted to hug them and wrestle with them a bit. Angela told me she never felt that I loved her, and now I am scared that the girls might tell me the same? Who is to know? I just want to squeeze them and never let go. It will be bad enough to go from 7 days a week to 3/4 days. Sofia is so little. I want her to be well. I want to explain that life is still fantastic, and that love is what counts. Emma is so smart and level. I believe in the end she will be OK. God, I love them. . .
So next chapter cometh. I am excited for the future. I have family and friends and a great business. I will prevail. Denver. . . here I come baby. You'd better be ready. . . .

Feels so good to be feeling good again. .

That is a great line. Robert Earl Keen has a way with words. If you have never listened to his stuff I highly recommend it. Good ol Americana music. I feel good. The day is beautiful, I am heading to my best friends house to help him on his Studio/Basement. I will be jamming there shortly. Nice!!
I spent yesterday afternoon and evening in the company of great friends. We listened to lots of great music and ate yummy food after blitzing our forearms bouldering for a couple hours. My kind of date for sure. . .ha ha ha. That is it for me today. I smile. . . . . . =-)

guilty as charged. .

Oppressing. That is the weight I feel. I feel guilty as I know there are many who would be desperate for my "problems." Those with real, life changing issues, who would give anything for a shot at my life. When I think about those less fortunate than me, it makes me bummed at myself for allowing myself to slide as I have. What else can I do thought? They are in my face and I cannot get around them, and they are mine. I can only internalize what I feel and can feel for no one else, only empathize.
MotoHaus is struggling. It is not happening the way it needs too and I am saddened by the very idea it may not succeed. Although I have read you need to pull yourself out of the equation when it comes to your business, if it fails, it will feel like a direct reflection on me. Much like my marriage. Why? I think it is the way I am wired. I cannot separate. MotoHaus is me, whether I like it or not. It is as much a part of me as I am a part of it. Losing it will crush me. Add this to my marriage and it will make for a very harrowing year. I am so close. . . . so close. . . .
How much more could I do? Probably lots I expect. But for some reason I am struggling to find a break and some normalcy which is in-turn most likely hurting profits. I could host party after party, and event after event, but at what point can I pull away? Never? shit. . that is not what I want. I want to work smarter . . .not harder. Maybe I'll do a summer party and get some bands lined up. That would probably be fairly easy. hmmm. . .argh. I think also having loost my partner on all this I feel a bit overwhelmed too. To have to tackle all this. I thought I could do it and retain my vigor but I think (at least this week) ha ha that I am burning low. If this was all I had to contend with would I be able to handle it? If I didn't have so much other emotional baggage would that change things? Who fucking cares about that statement. I'd better find the strength because neither of them are going to go away thinking about crap like that. Feel me? That is me in a nutshell these days. All the while trying my dambdest to never show this around the two most important people in my life. Emma and Sofia, who have done nothing to deserve anything but the best childhood. I am looking forward to a nice sleep and a mellow morning tomorrow. I have earned it. rest. . . . sounds good. Peace.

Climb on. .

Yes. I had a great opportunity to go climbing with a wonderful friend, who I have been insistent be my "first time outside" partner. I made is to C. Springs Saturday night and we grubbed and drank with a great bunch of her friends. Then sat around a fire to the wee hours playing guitar and sharing life together. That was a great start of the experience. I am in the mode of meeting new people for sure. I allowed myself to become disastrously and dangerously someone I am truly not. That is scary! I am on the road to re-discovery and included in that is my love of connections and relationships. I believe with all of me, that life is all about relationships, and connection. Everything else is the great stuff in between. Which I love.
So back to the point of this, we woke to a beautiful day and I was really excited to be climbing outside finally!! It had been so long. I remember the feel of placing my hands against the rock, and really feeling and sensing the power and density. The energy of what made the cliff the way in is. . I have missed it dearly. We headed to Red Rock open space, just South of Garden of the Gods.
I agreed to lead and was really excited about it. Climbing has been different this time around for me. I don't have the same fears that I had my last go round. I think it is because of the "Fuck it" attitude that I have currently. It is not a bad thing but I am ready to re-discover my edge and climbing is a great one for me. So my first shot was a really solid 5.10a, the picture above, and I was ready. Like the days of my youth, I held my hands against the rock and went over my old mantra, "Relax, Breathe, trust, enjoy" I am pretty sure a smile broke my face, if I wasn't already smiling. (I had been smiling all weekend) I set myself for my first move and the rest was history for me. Stephanie was a great partner and we have many more climbs together. We compliment each other in so many ways. I push her and she inspires me, that is one of my favorite parts of our relationship. She is also a fantastic climber, with a bit of fear holding her back. . . . but only a little. I remember that fear well, it keeps us centered and grounded with self preservation. The edge. . . .
I am happy to be climbing again. I feel alive and vigorous. I yearn for the climbing life style again. Rogue, free, and spirited. I have an anchor and I deal with it daily. I am happy today. I look forward to climbing MORE!!! ha ha ha ha. . . Steph?? You in??

Forward Momentum. .

Off to Denver tonight. I am looking forward to getting the Girls and I out of town where I can be alive and mentally stable. =-) I definitely feel cluttered up here. I like the forward momentum that I feel when I am out of town. I am sitting for a friend in Wash Park. I have not spent a lot of time down there and am stoked to check it out. I think the park until the girls are exhausted and then Pizza and a movie sounds great to me.
I friend turned me onto a book. It is about Divorce from the eyes of children. These are accounts from present day adults who have gone through this. I am excited to view all this from their eyes. I continuously feel terrible for them. That they have to go through this due to their parents fucking selfishness. I have a goal though, which is to lead them with all that I can learn. To be a better Father and guide then I have ever been. To make a commitment to bettering myself for them is about the best I can give. They need all of me. I am stoked to give that to them.
Oh yea. Going climbing with Steph on Sunday. It is going to be a lot of work to get myself down there but it will all be worth it when I get to place my hands against the rock. Feel its familiar texture. Grasp on conviction and pull my body up with it's own force. I love to climb and I am stoked to finally get to be outside. Soon. . . .

a heavy heart. .

Boy. I am really in for it I think. I just got through with a really stellar week with my girls and Angela just came to get them. I cannot believe how hard it feels like it is going to be when I only see them on the weekends. My time just got cut in half? How is one supposed to deal with that? I am sure I'll get used to it. They are my babies. I love them so fucking much it brings me to my knees sometimes.
Being super strong for them is the name of the game though. Showing them Culture, and People and City life. Denver is going to be great for all three of us. We'll be a great team for sure. =-) Lot's to do and things to see. It will be good. . . . .
I find myself recollecting a lot these days. About them being so small, and fragile. All the Birthdays, and Christmas's. The sledding days, and trips to the mountains. First steps and words. Bike rides and falls and cuts. Potty training, and sickness's. I loved all of it with these two little saints. We were a good family, no matter how it ended up. Solid and steady. Too bad about life sometime. Although I can see the good in it, it is anger that really motivates me past it. I look forward to a day when I do not need that. I'll see everything a lot more clearly.
Tomorrow is another day. My friend is coming over for Sushi and a Movie. That sounds good to me. =-) Better fire up the Beemer. . . .

A nice day. .

Sometimes a nice day is all you need. Just a leisurely lazy day of waking up late and taking your time. Today, the girls and I plan to head for the Boulder Creek Festival, filled with bodies, and warmth, and Sunshine, Music, Yoga, and general good will. I am really looking forward to getting out of Loveland. I am happy when I leave and can return to myself without the oppressing feeling of loss. I am with my girls today. I am a happy man. A nice day awaits.

True ass kicking. .

So I checked one of the items off of my, "Things I want to do before I move" page. I have always wanted to ride my bicycle from mi casa in Loveland to Estes Park. Not sure why I have wanted to do this. It is a good 70 mile round trip, which is a undertaking for sure. I like to push myself and see how much I can take. I used to so it a lot more often, and am enjoying it again in life.
I started off on Thursday at 9:00am with my friend Adam. We started off together but I like to crank and he is more of a spinner. I would wait for him intermittently, but really road my own ride. I love to listen to tunes while I ride and Peter Gabriel, John Mayer and Metallica were my companions on this trip. Sorry Nicole. I cannot help it. . music makes the experience for me.
So it was two and a half hours up. Literally. 7 flat miles and 28 uphill. Sweet. I love my bike for how it handles. It is an old Diamond Back steely frame but it has a lot of gumption and we do well together. I named it the Red Devil. =-) The weather was a little wet and cold, but it kept my temperature down, and made for a good ride up. I really handled myself and my pace well. I actually did a lot better than I thought I would initially. The sun burst out, right when I got to the top and made for a sweet victory. I was all smiles for sure! I grubbed on some Peanut Butter Crackers and waited for Adam.
So little did I know, Loveland/Greeley/Fort Collins was getting fucking punished by weather. Tornado's had touched down all over and wrecked Windsor. Schools went into lock-down and in-general, there was panic all over. If you don't know, we do not usually get this sort of weather and there is NO warning for it. The big guy that ripped through Windsor was 3/4 to a mile wide. Fuck!!
After a bit we headed down and got our fair share. Head wind the whole way down, through all kinds of rain, sleet, Hail and more. Very crazy ride home. I was soaked to the bone and very tired after all that. I got home, chowed some Tacos and passed out for 15 minutes. Then I turned on the news and got an ear full.
All said and done, I wouldn't have had it any other way. Craziness is what make adventures memorable. I love the unknown and look forward to tackling what ever comes my way. Ride On!!

A vacaton from my fragile ego. .

What is it about human behavior that allows us to be envious of what other people have when really, what we have is better? I guess that is the basis for jealousy and envy? This was the week that Angela and I were to go to Spain together. The dream of every young couple with kids. Work hard and play hard. Well in the aftermath of our demise, she is off to Spain and I am here. Right? WTF? Don't worry, that is how I felt too. She leaves the relationship and then gets to go to Spain? I stay home with the kids to boot? Hah.
So what I am relearning about myself is my ability to see the greatness in my present situation. I have always been able to do this, but I think over the past years I have become more cynical, and had a bitchier attitude. Forward to this week. I had decided not to go in lieu of her dating my friend and pissing me the fuck off. =-) But I did schedule a huge motorcycle trip, one that I was really looking forward too. I friend interveined and basically told me that I needed to stay and watch the kids, and that if anyone needed to be a leader in this breakup, for the sake of the girls, it needed to be me. We'll that pissing me off for the day but then it kind of swapped gears for the better. I already scheduled myself off for the week. Angela would be gone so I wouldn't have to see her everyday. I'd have the girls all to myself, and I got to play during the day since both kids are in school. wow. It started to sound really great. and let me tell you it is. It is Thursday and I have had a great fucking week. =-) The part that was requiring me to be a pisser was my ego getting in the way. I felt slighted and was being a pussy about the whole thing.
Daddy time is really precious to me currently. I am so sick of guys saying, "wow, you are single? I am jealous!" Fuck you man, I am making the best of it, but think about what you are saying. I am going from seeing my beautiful baby girls from 7 days a week, to three. That is crushing, and I am actually a little nervous on how I will be. They are my rock in life. My anchor. I love them with all of me and they feed my very insides daily. Again. I will work hard to build this business for their future. That is my goal but really in the end of my life, I will be the guy saying, I wish I wold have spent more time with my kids. This is a tough choice. I have ten weeks till my move. Lots of Daddy time. .. . This week is a blessing in disguise. Thank you Nora for being in my face. I owe you big time for this one. . . Peace.

Chicks and Bikes. . .

Days after the "Saying Goodbye" spiel, I feel pretty good. I definitely feel liss inclinded about my panic of losing my family. I think the symbolism going on here is now that I accepted it, I don't have to stress about losing my family. It is gone, and therefore, there is nothing I can do. Make sense? Probably. I was the only one who wasn't able to see it. It was just really hard to do.
After fucking up on the Carbs, I pulled them again yesterday, and rebuilt them this time for good. I changed the oil last night and got my Seat back from Steve Gowing. I great friend and incredible seat maker. The bike looks pretty good and I feel strongly it will be my trusty steed and get me through this ride. I have done the followingl; new tires, new ignition, replace final drive, rebuilt carbs, valve adjustment, fork fluid, oil, and final drive fluid. Install bags and the seat. I have only to get the bike tuned and I am raring to go!! The shot above is after her maiden voyage to MotoHaus this AM. It ran ok but definitely needs the tune, and carb sync.
Today Angela said congrats on getting the bike running but it was filled with all sorts of hidden meaning methinks. She had some sort of weird jealousy towards my love of Motorcycles, like I chose them over her. It is weird. This new friend I have thinks it is wonderful that I have an outlet like motorcycles, which is how I feel. I have great Zen moments in the garage, hunched over and cleaning and reassembling parts. It makes me feel great to take something that has been neglected and get it back on the road. Maybe that is why I have such an affinity towards Older Bikes. I connect with them on such a different level, than with newer bikes. I will miss my garage when I move to Denver. . . . . for sure.

Cleaning Carbs. .

Do you have someone that makes you feel good? That is a pretty substantial question but I find it amazing the effect different people have on each other. My Marriage just ended with a woman who at the end just didn't seem to want to be around me. Maybe she never really liked what I stood for, who knows really. What I do know is we were never able to be really comfortable around each other. I jump to my present time and I have met a woman who is opposite my wife in almost all ways. Without going into too much detail, the quality I enjoy the most about our relationship is our ability to talk and communicate openly. This may come from the backlash of a non-communicative relationship, which I swore I would never be in again, or maybe it is because we are is similar situations. She has been there for me throughout this ordeal I am dealing with and I get to be a shoulder for her. I find myself looking forward to hearing about her day and our evening talks. It is wonderful.
Let me tell you that I am guarded. I have a mission and a plan, which I will no longer deviate from. MotoHaus will grow with me at the helm. I have been flailing around for way too long. I feel that it is all I have left from my six year marriage, are my beautiful kids and my beloved Coffee House. I will lead them both to greatness. I can feel it. I will continue with them as my major focus and hopefully someday I will be able to share myself with someone again. Someday. . . but not now.
So last night we chatted while I cleaned the Carbs on my BMW. I had the phone on speaker while I pulled apart the atmospheric chamber and cleaned and polished the slide. We talked about the day she had as the Pilot Jet was removed and cleaned out. The Pilot Jet is your low idle jet. This has to be cleaned and unobstructed for your bike to idle well. Onto talks of climbs we are wanting to do, as the heinous amounts of carb cleaner are dispensed to get all the gunk off. This poor bike had a tough end to it's life. Maybe I should get into the bike I am building back for the road trip. I think the next blog I will do that. I'd better finish this train of thought.
I think relationships are the most important investment we can make. I am super happy about this one. I have lot's of friends and family but to have someone to share you day and be genuinely interested in how their day was is great. It feels easy and I look forward to our talks nightly. I would wish this for everyone. Life is tough and being able to share it someone is very helpful. Also to offer your shoulder to someone else's problems reminds us that we are giving and loving. Cheers. I am losing my train of thought still so I'll be back later. - m

First day of the rest of my life.

Saturday May 10th I told my wife goodbye. For most that doesn't mean shit. For me it was very symbolic. I realized not long before that, she had said it to me in so many different ways long ago. She was gone from me. This is the journey that takes place after something like this happens. When all that you think your life was going to be changes, when the road you had layed out for yourself goes haywire, and for those, like me who have the gumption, the journey into healing and what went wrong.
I am not one of the types to run out and get laid to make myself feel better, although it is sounding better and better everyday. Mindless sex to take the pain away. Maybe it will be just fine and maybe it won't. Who the fuck knows. I have resisted that thus far and don't necessarily plan on that road. My friends are encouraging me too. I have never had a problem in that department. Women do not scare me and I have a great gift of people. I like the cat and mouse chase that goes along with being single. Maybe closing the deal a couple of times won't be so bad. . . . it is a tough world out there though. Although I am fixed from having any more babies, I can still get stung with the STD thing. Blah. That sucks. .
I am going to take a 6 day trip on a BMW Motorcycle and try my hand at blogging my days and my thoughts. I cancelled my trip with my soon to be ex-wife as she is seeing my friend already and I am not sure I can contend with that. I thought I had the strength to try to win her back, but in the end, her decision was to move on. More on that later. . . On this trip I hope to sort my thoughts and feelings out a bit more. Time and relaxation is going to be the name of this trip. I am going to read, write and ride a lot. My journey will take me SW out of Colorado, into New Mexico and Arizona, Utah and home. Trying to get a grasp on the next stages of my life is daunting, and nothing I choose to tackle to quickly. I have a tendency to want to take action, at least that is what my big brother Oscar told me yesterday, and he is correct. That is me in a nutshell. I will ride this one a bit slower, and try to just enjoy the ability to finally get out on my motorcycle, one of the things I love the most.
The next few Blogs will be about getting myself ready for this trip. The Bike and the work that is required to make it happen. I love old Beemers. They connect to me like a long time surfer on a long board. You can truly find your soul on a BMW Airhead motorcycle. I have 5 and wish I could keep them all. Peace. Be back soon. - M