a reply. . .

This is a Facebook reply to my ex-wife. I did not send it. I cannot seem to find the closure I need in our marriage. It still haunts me after a year. I understand I have to accept that this is just something that "Happened to me." Some people get cancer, or lose their child. The old adage, "whoever told you life was fair lied," seems to fit well here. I still want to shout at her though, and tell her she fucked up a great marriage by being her own therapist. Whatever. I need to get over it. . . someday. . . her is the letter. . It is a response to her telling me she Loves me dearly, and it is too bad the past few years were so brutal. Also, we will have a relationship and blah blah. . .

I understand that I guess. I will always be frustrated that we never gave it a true shot Angela. I know you may have worked it out in your head, but being your own therapist is not trying. We didn't know what we were up against. I loved you so much, and I know you loved me, real love. I felt it and saw it in your eyes. We didn't know how to communicate our feelings and it caused a lot of unnecessary strife in our relationship. I here so many couples talk about a difficult couple years when they are discussing there 40 year marriage.
I didn't enter our marriage and speak my vows thinking I would give up. I thought in our separation we would try to work things out, and give it a try or something at least. It just seems that is was never that bad Angela. The issues we had were stimulated from where we were and what we didn't know. You realized you didn't want to be the person you had allowed yourself to become. I did not like who I was also. We didn't realize what had happened until too late. I am sad. . . . truly sad that you would trade our life that we had built for a new beginning.
I am not saying this to try to convince you of anything. I cannot seem to find closure in this and it hurts still. I feel used, lied to and mistreated in all this. I will never understand how you could have started a relationship with a friend to us. I gave so much of myself to our marriage and I feel like it accounted for nothing.
I am not looking for a pity party, but put yourself in my position. Do you know what it felt like to hear from our regulars about you and Ken? Did you ever consider what it might do to your loving husband? My "trust" capacity is fucked now. There is a wall that I cannot seem to get through when I meet someone. I cannot move forward with a new life because the girls. I love them and we need each other. I cannot find balance. .
I hear about people trying so hard and wanting so bad to have a family, and we let ours go Angela. We let it go. . .
Do you know how many nights I have spent with no sleep trying to figure out what I did to be here? There was such potential in us Angela. What could I have done? I could have done more?
How am I to find closure? I am soured and I am so tired of feeling this way. Can't we have it out with each other or something? Is that it? We never got to be pissed off at one another and really be face to face.
Tell me I'm a fucking asshole for something I did. Tell me I dropped the ball at being a husband! I failed or something but I need something. Tell me how sorry you are for making me go through what I did. Please Angela. . . do I have to just wait till it wears off?
You have never asked me how I am doing? Am I getting along ok? Maybe in passing when I drop the kids off but you have never reached out to me in a year. I was your husband and I feel swept away and traded in for a new model. It killed me to watch you date Ken, feeling the knife wound of betrayal sink deeper each time I saw his fucking Jeep in front of our home. The home we bought together for you on your birthday. I had to leave. . . I couln't bear it another minute. I died out on those concrete steps of my house 5 doors down.
You are not going to get this I decided. It will mean nothing to you. I loved you. I wish that would have tipped the scales. I am looking forward to the day this is all behind me. . . .

Facebook things. .

I just did my "25 thing" Facebook note today and it felt great to put some things out there and share a little of myself with my friends. I have received a number of really nice comments and messages about it. Some people who told me they cried and some that said because of what I wrote, they are now compelled to do theirs as well. I tried to think about me in a whole, and not necessarily where I am now. I am in an interesting crossroads right now and happy to be in it. I am figuring things out daily and more than willing to share myself. Stephanie, since you are reading this, you are very inspiring this way. You are sharp with your words and honest with your emotions. I admire that about you. Writing in my blog is going to be one of my daily/weekly tasks. I love to return to it and read it later.
I am missing my kids again. I'll call them tonight and remind them that Daddy loves them very much. I think that is good enough for them. Constant reminders are part of me... and part of how I love and show love. I gave that out in my 25 things. That was part of Angela's and my falling out. The inability to figure out what we were trying to say to onw another. That is cool. Lesson learned.
My brother wrote a really great song and I love the words. "Time's in need of changing, for better or for worse.. . and only time will tell if it's a blessing or a curse, retrospect so unfamiliar thinking 'bout what's gone. Time will always move so slow but now it's moving on." Time is moving on. . . . I am surfing it.

Making things happen. .

My phone rang this morning at 3:32 am. It was a pocket dial from Shannon, my sister in law. I never fell back asleep. The girls and I went to bed though at 9:00pm. I was exhausted, Sofia was sick and Emma needed the rest as well. They are actually still sleeping as I write this. My god. . they are beautiful when they sleep. Little angels. . .
So I layed there awake, listening to my Mac tell me it was 4:00. . then 5:00 then 6:00. . 2 and a 1/2 hours of me time. My mind runs a million miles an hour during these times, lots of thoughts and memories, both good and bad. I have been in a rut lately. No big secret. I think everyone can tell when I get into a funk, especially these days. I don't like to be in them but I don't know where I am at right now. I have been feeling really out of it all over again. Lonely, lost, out of control, no plan, unloved, forgotten, and low self esteem. Nice huh? I just read my last blog. Fucking depressing. I think though that I triggered somthing, at least one faction of my life that has been driving me batty. . . that is "Making it happen" for myself. .
I have been in a total whirlwind of what am I going to do and where am I going to live and what not. I just need to start and make it happen the way I want it. I used to be so great at that. I could make anything happen it seemed. I don't exactly know when I lost that and became so helpless but I feel it. I have been wanting a new fun life for myself and the kids. I need music but I don't rightly know that I want the band that I am in currantly. I want a house full of Musicians and climbers and have dinners and late night music jamming. I want health and clarity. . wow. . here it comes. . I want love. I want desire without fear. I want to feel like the days are not for getting by but for living. I am spiritually wracked. I am empty. I want to feel full of connection and meaning. I want to feel. I want to feel. I want to stop confusing the people that I love. I want to live with purpose again. I want yoga, and fitness everyday. I want to hang out and meet new people. I want to backcountry ski. I want to curb my terrible eating. I want to start today.
That was a lot to chew. I am not going to read it. Not today. But I will revisit all that jargun above this. Today. I will find a home. =)

I wonder if anyone else feels like I do. .

Moderately out of control.. I am coasting and I don't like it. I don't appreciate feeling this way. I am trying to chalk it up to this past year but that excuse it wearing thin to me. I cannot seem to get back into a rhythm that I like. I have constant feelings that what I am doing is wrong. That I am screwing things up as I go along here. I want to live. I want to work hard and play harder. . like I used to. Can I find that again? Where does that journey start? I would really like to get a handle on this. I have soooo much to do I feel like. I don't even know where to start. I would like to start to save for another coffee house. I really liked that lifestyle. I would like to start to save for my kids. I would like to get through with my old life. I want to love. . . and not be afraid of it. How am I going to ever feel like that again?
I just got my hours cut at work to three days a week. That is really what our bargain was. . I just got ahead of myself. I need a direction to really push myself and I don't know what that is. . . I'll find it. I think it is just a matter of time. . - M

1st post of 2009

What does that mean? Not a whole lot. Is there significance to 2009 or is it just another rising of the sun that we give cadence to? I'd like to think that is does for me, but I am finding out that it is just another day and another year. I thought that I could leave 2008 behind, and a fresh new day would start, and a re-invigorated life would begin but I struggle still. I am financially strapped, and am in the worst health that I have been in in some time and I am lonely. or. . . am I just in my 30's. hah. That is the question huh? What does it mean to be in your 30's? Does it mean you get to lay down and talk about all the fun things you've done in the past? Do you accept your belly and bad back and say. . "that is just the way it is?"
How about dating? Where the fuck am I with that? I am a mess when it comes to relationships. I helped destroy the one I was in I guess. I have a beautiful girl that seems to truly love me, but I cannot seem to accept it.
The way I enter a room and feel about myself is a direct reflection of how I feel about myself in the grand scheme of the world. I do not feel like much of a part of it. I am clinging to old feelings of dread and when left alone, which I often am, I cannot motivate like I would like. argh. Same old shit. I tell myself how I want to be, but when I attempt it, I seem to fail. What will it take for me to make the step???
I do mot feel in control of my life. I cannot depend on a paycheck. My life costs too much. I don't have a ski pass, and I don't have a climbing membership. Yet last night I went out and spent $70.00! WTF!! On top of that, I drank and ate too much. Exactly what I told myself I wanted to avoid in 20009. I never made a budget, and I haven't made a workout plan! What does that mean? Am I lazy? Depressed? Unwilling to engage in life? I don't know. I am fucking tired of coasting. sooooooooooo sick of it.
I owe a lot in my past life. I am scared of it. I don't have any idea on how to handle it. The CC companies call me all the time, and I have no answer.
This is a major bitch sess. I needed it I think. I am whacked today. I am happy to go and visit my friend though. I have not seen her in 2009 yet. ha ha ha.

A gorgeous December day. .

This is why I will never leave CO. It is 45 degrees outside and feels warmer than that out in the sun. I just had a stellar night last night with awesome new friends, and had a great day at work today. I fell like I could take on the world on days like today. The energy I have inside me is astounding. I was built well, and I am thankful for that. I am going to spend the rest of the day outside and then I have band practice and a date with my friend who I love to be around.
Isn't it funny how life is. One year ago, I was very different. . . . . . .

Farewell old friend. .

Friday I spent the afternoon with my sick buddy. Angela got Niko in 1999 when we were just dating but couldn't keep him at her apartment, so I raised him at the 100 Mile House, in Broomfield. When we married a year later, he became my only Boy, in a house of girls. =-) Harley came a little later. . .
He got cancer this winter, and died on Saturday, December 6th. The girls and I went back to Angela's house on Friday after school and spent a few more hours with him. I explained to them that he was sick and would not be there when we got back on Sunday night. They were shocked and sad, as they should be when you lose your friend. We spent the night decorating for Christmas and passing the time talking about Niko and memories we shared. I remember him for his cumming ability to escape and never get caught. I also remember his patience with the girls as they grew and climbed all over him. He barked at the door to always let us know when someone was there, and I always felt safe to have the girls home when he was there.
He was such a great dog. He was an amazing companion to a young family. He was a great boy for me. I will miss him so much. It hurts to think of him gone. Life is a timeline of snapshots. I have many of him. I am thankful I got to know him so well. I love you Niko Mujica. I'll see you again. . . . .