Making things happen. .

My phone rang this morning at 3:32 am. It was a pocket dial from Shannon, my sister in law. I never fell back asleep. The girls and I went to bed though at 9:00pm. I was exhausted, Sofia was sick and Emma needed the rest as well. They are actually still sleeping as I write this. My god. . they are beautiful when they sleep. Little angels. . .
So I layed there awake, listening to my Mac tell me it was 4:00. . then 5:00 then 6:00. . 2 and a 1/2 hours of me time. My mind runs a million miles an hour during these times, lots of thoughts and memories, both good and bad. I have been in a rut lately. No big secret. I think everyone can tell when I get into a funk, especially these days. I don't like to be in them but I don't know where I am at right now. I have been feeling really out of it all over again. Lonely, lost, out of control, no plan, unloved, forgotten, and low self esteem. Nice huh? I just read my last blog. Fucking depressing. I think though that I triggered somthing, at least one faction of my life that has been driving me batty. . . that is "Making it happen" for myself. .
I have been in a total whirlwind of what am I going to do and where am I going to live and what not. I just need to start and make it happen the way I want it. I used to be so great at that. I could make anything happen it seemed. I don't exactly know when I lost that and became so helpless but I feel it. I have been wanting a new fun life for myself and the kids. I need music but I don't rightly know that I want the band that I am in currantly. I want a house full of Musicians and climbers and have dinners and late night music jamming. I want health and clarity. . wow. . here it comes. . I want love. I want desire without fear. I want to feel like the days are not for getting by but for living. I am spiritually wracked. I am empty. I want to feel full of connection and meaning. I want to feel. I want to feel. I want to stop confusing the people that I love. I want to live with purpose again. I want yoga, and fitness everyday. I want to hang out and meet new people. I want to backcountry ski. I want to curb my terrible eating. I want to start today.
That was a lot to chew. I am not going to read it. Not today. But I will revisit all that jargun above this. Today. I will find a home. =)