1st post of 2009

What does that mean? Not a whole lot. Is there significance to 2009 or is it just another rising of the sun that we give cadence to? I'd like to think that is does for me, but I am finding out that it is just another day and another year. I thought that I could leave 2008 behind, and a fresh new day would start, and a re-invigorated life would begin but I struggle still. I am financially strapped, and am in the worst health that I have been in in some time and I am lonely. or. . . am I just in my 30's. hah. That is the question huh? What does it mean to be in your 30's? Does it mean you get to lay down and talk about all the fun things you've done in the past? Do you accept your belly and bad back and say. . "that is just the way it is?"
How about dating? Where the fuck am I with that? I am a mess when it comes to relationships. I helped destroy the one I was in I guess. I have a beautiful girl that seems to truly love me, but I cannot seem to accept it.
The way I enter a room and feel about myself is a direct reflection of how I feel about myself in the grand scheme of the world. I do not feel like much of a part of it. I am clinging to old feelings of dread and when left alone, which I often am, I cannot motivate like I would like. argh. Same old shit. I tell myself how I want to be, but when I attempt it, I seem to fail. What will it take for me to make the step???
I do mot feel in control of my life. I cannot depend on a paycheck. My life costs too much. I don't have a ski pass, and I don't have a climbing membership. Yet last night I went out and spent $70.00! WTF!! On top of that, I drank and ate too much. Exactly what I told myself I wanted to avoid in 20009. I never made a budget, and I haven't made a workout plan! What does that mean? Am I lazy? Depressed? Unwilling to engage in life? I don't know. I am fucking tired of coasting. sooooooooooo sick of it.
I owe a lot in my past life. I am scared of it. I don't have any idea on how to handle it. The CC companies call me all the time, and I have no answer.
This is a major bitch sess. I needed it I think. I am whacked today. I am happy to go and visit my friend though. I have not seen her in 2009 yet. ha ha ha.