a reply. . .

This is a Facebook reply to my ex-wife. I did not send it. I cannot seem to find the closure I need in our marriage. It still haunts me after a year. I understand I have to accept that this is just something that "Happened to me." Some people get cancer, or lose their child. The old adage, "whoever told you life was fair lied," seems to fit well here. I still want to shout at her though, and tell her she fucked up a great marriage by being her own therapist. Whatever. I need to get over it. . . someday. . . her is the letter. . It is a response to her telling me she Loves me dearly, and it is too bad the past few years were so brutal. Also, we will have a relationship and blah blah. . .

I understand that I guess. I will always be frustrated that we never gave it a true shot Angela. I know you may have worked it out in your head, but being your own therapist is not trying. We didn't know what we were up against. I loved you so much, and I know you loved me, real love. I felt it and saw it in your eyes. We didn't know how to communicate our feelings and it caused a lot of unnecessary strife in our relationship. I here so many couples talk about a difficult couple years when they are discussing there 40 year marriage.
I didn't enter our marriage and speak my vows thinking I would give up. I thought in our separation we would try to work things out, and give it a try or something at least. It just seems that is was never that bad Angela. The issues we had were stimulated from where we were and what we didn't know. You realized you didn't want to be the person you had allowed yourself to become. I did not like who I was also. We didn't realize what had happened until too late. I am sad. . . . truly sad that you would trade our life that we had built for a new beginning.
I am not saying this to try to convince you of anything. I cannot seem to find closure in this and it hurts still. I feel used, lied to and mistreated in all this. I will never understand how you could have started a relationship with a friend to us. I gave so much of myself to our marriage and I feel like it accounted for nothing.
I am not looking for a pity party, but put yourself in my position. Do you know what it felt like to hear from our regulars about you and Ken? Did you ever consider what it might do to your loving husband? My "trust" capacity is fucked now. There is a wall that I cannot seem to get through when I meet someone. I cannot move forward with a new life because the girls. I love them and we need each other. I cannot find balance. .
I hear about people trying so hard and wanting so bad to have a family, and we let ours go Angela. We let it go. . .
Do you know how many nights I have spent with no sleep trying to figure out what I did to be here? There was such potential in us Angela. What could I have done? I could have done more?
How am I to find closure? I am soured and I am so tired of feeling this way. Can't we have it out with each other or something? Is that it? We never got to be pissed off at one another and really be face to face.
Tell me I'm a fucking asshole for something I did. Tell me I dropped the ball at being a husband! I failed or something but I need something. Tell me how sorry you are for making me go through what I did. Please Angela. . . do I have to just wait till it wears off?
You have never asked me how I am doing? Am I getting along ok? Maybe in passing when I drop the kids off but you have never reached out to me in a year. I was your husband and I feel swept away and traded in for a new model. It killed me to watch you date Ken, feeling the knife wound of betrayal sink deeper each time I saw his fucking Jeep in front of our home. The home we bought together for you on your birthday. I had to leave. . . I couln't bear it another minute. I died out on those concrete steps of my house 5 doors down.
You are not going to get this I decided. It will mean nothing to you. I loved you. I wish that would have tipped the scales. I am looking forward to the day this is all behind me. . . .