Been gone a little while. .

Don't know why that is. I guess I have had not much to say? I think more it was a case of me flailing about a little. Sometimes I forget to take time for myself, and I wind up over extending myself, leaving me with no time. My friend Annette helped remind me of that. Time -Space -Solitude. It has been a while since I have focused on that at all. I have been hitting it pretty hard since I moved to Boulder. Lots of people and being out. Lot's of Music too. Add that to my already chaotic life of single parenting and presto. . . I'm out.

The last two days have been really great. I got a lot of stuff done I have needed to get done, and a am all ready for my parents and my kids to come. I will have a full house! I love it though. . maybe a little stressful, But I am stoked. I miss my family terribly. I looked at pictures of Angela, Me and the girls. I had a moment but then it went away. I don't miss her any more. I went to her Facebook and I really could have cared less. Nice. ha ha. That may not mean much to most people but it means a lot to me. I spent a lot of nights and days hurting over her. I am grateful for father time and the loss of emotions.

My life has changed so much in the past year and a half. I thought it would have done me in, but life prevails. I have met some great people this past year. My house mates are really great people. I have connected with one of my great friends, Cheryl. Life is good. I am solid.

I met a girl. I think I like her. I thought I would not feel anything like that again. She is great and I expect nothing to come from it. I am happy with the feeling of being interested. It has been a while.

I am listening to David Gray. It is late. I am groovin man. . . .

another move. .

yeesh. From my house to the Mellow Yellow, to the Brooks tower, to the Highlands, and now to Boulder. All in just over a year. I am over it. But. . . happy. That is the thing right? That is what I always say all people deserve. The right to be happy. I am living in a cool house with some seemingly cool people.
My kids and I have our space and that is important to me. We can bike everywhere we need to go which is fantastic since my car is muy viejo. Boulder seems to offer some really great stuff too. .
I think tonight, the girls and I will make dinner and then maybe bike into town to play on Pearl St, and get Ice Cream! Yes! tomorrow is a BBQ with the Konold's and then Katrina's Birthday. Sunday is all about us again, and fun stuff we want to do. I am really stoked to see my kids this weekend. I miss them all the time. . but by Friday. . it is really hard to stay focused. =) I love the weekends. . . yeehaw.

Feeling trapped

Not Healthy. I am stuck mentally and financially. Financially because the money Angela has come after me for is more than I have. I truly don't know what to do? Mentally because I feel guilty about how this effects me. I should be able to rise above this. My friend Josh Dawson just passed away from cancer he fought for many years. Leaving a wife and child. I cannot imagine that. That is real heartache. So I am trying to balance my own emotions here. I should be stronger but I also want to fight. . FUCK! Not so fun for a saturday. . . . I have to go write checks for more than I have. . this blows. Sorry. this is truly just venting. I'll be more in-depth next time. Grey Saturday. .

Crap. . .

I am at a major junction. My beliefs are crashing. Faith in what I thought were strong morals in in decline. I am emotional right now, so I am venting, but it is where I am at. I want to quit. I want to throw in the towel. I am over people. Trust is fucked. People do whatever they want. wake up and read the bold print Max. I'm either a Martyr, or a sucker. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to inspire. I want to just pay my penance, and fade into the sunset. . . . Maybe I am not cut out for my own love. Maybe I am supposed to learn from all this, and selflessly give what is left of me to my kids. I'll stop listening to those around me, and just listen to what is written. Life is telling me something. Talking is getting me nowhere. . . . . . . don't love me. I have nothing to give. I feel totally and utterly alone. Choices are coming. They are weighty, but they are going to have to be dealt with. I can rely on myself. That is good.

Life. .

so i think I figured something out this past few weeks. When you want change in your life, it is not the act of figuring out where you want to be, that makes you feel solid, but it is the acts of doing the things to get you there that make the difference. I have been feeling a lack of confidence lately in my life. I can dress, walk and act all I want but it does not truly make me feel confident. I think you can have outside validations to give you confidence by doing this, but it does not give you that core confidence. Core confidence flares and pulses through your body and generates energy, usually you can feel it when someone enters a room, or you stand near them. They can make you quiver a little even.
I have been getting back to the things that drive me lately. Exercise (yoga), back country skiing, running, diet, and such. I feel a lot better about myself. I have this ridiculous beard and I love it. I am still not anywhere I want to be physically, but the road to it is great. I love to push myself. I realized I can read all I want but sometimes. . you have to act. I am in it.

El Moto. .

I sold you today. Although you are awesome, you became a thing to me, much like all the things in my life. In the face of loss, it is funny how unimportant stuff becomes to you. I am finding it difficult to notice importance in the items around me. The most important part of my life was watching my children grow around me. . . now I see them 4 days a month. I am hoping they so not forget me. So. . in lieu of this, you became an item. I sold you for $5,000.00. I am pretty frickin proud of myself too. . . bye El Moto.

a reply. . .

This is a Facebook reply to my ex-wife. I did not send it. I cannot seem to find the closure I need in our marriage. It still haunts me after a year. I understand I have to accept that this is just something that "Happened to me." Some people get cancer, or lose their child. The old adage, "whoever told you life was fair lied," seems to fit well here. I still want to shout at her though, and tell her she fucked up a great marriage by being her own therapist. Whatever. I need to get over it. . . someday. . . her is the letter. . It is a response to her telling me she Loves me dearly, and it is too bad the past few years were so brutal. Also, we will have a relationship and blah blah. . .

I understand that I guess. I will always be frustrated that we never gave it a true shot Angela. I know you may have worked it out in your head, but being your own therapist is not trying. We didn't know what we were up against. I loved you so much, and I know you loved me, real love. I felt it and saw it in your eyes. We didn't know how to communicate our feelings and it caused a lot of unnecessary strife in our relationship. I here so many couples talk about a difficult couple years when they are discussing there 40 year marriage.
I didn't enter our marriage and speak my vows thinking I would give up. I thought in our separation we would try to work things out, and give it a try or something at least. It just seems that is was never that bad Angela. The issues we had were stimulated from where we were and what we didn't know. You realized you didn't want to be the person you had allowed yourself to become. I did not like who I was also. We didn't realize what had happened until too late. I am sad. . . . truly sad that you would trade our life that we had built for a new beginning.
I am not saying this to try to convince you of anything. I cannot seem to find closure in this and it hurts still. I feel used, lied to and mistreated in all this. I will never understand how you could have started a relationship with a friend to us. I gave so much of myself to our marriage and I feel like it accounted for nothing.
I am not looking for a pity party, but put yourself in my position. Do you know what it felt like to hear from our regulars about you and Ken? Did you ever consider what it might do to your loving husband? My "trust" capacity is fucked now. There is a wall that I cannot seem to get through when I meet someone. I cannot move forward with a new life because the girls. I love them and we need each other. I cannot find balance. .
I hear about people trying so hard and wanting so bad to have a family, and we let ours go Angela. We let it go. . .
Do you know how many nights I have spent with no sleep trying to figure out what I did to be here? There was such potential in us Angela. What could I have done? I could have done more?
How am I to find closure? I am soured and I am so tired of feeling this way. Can't we have it out with each other or something? Is that it? We never got to be pissed off at one another and really be face to face.
Tell me I'm a fucking asshole for something I did. Tell me I dropped the ball at being a husband! I failed or something but I need something. Tell me how sorry you are for making me go through what I did. Please Angela. . . do I have to just wait till it wears off?
You have never asked me how I am doing? Am I getting along ok? Maybe in passing when I drop the kids off but you have never reached out to me in a year. I was your husband and I feel swept away and traded in for a new model. It killed me to watch you date Ken, feeling the knife wound of betrayal sink deeper each time I saw his fucking Jeep in front of our home. The home we bought together for you on your birthday. I had to leave. . . I couln't bear it another minute. I died out on those concrete steps of my house 5 doors down.
You are not going to get this I decided. It will mean nothing to you. I loved you. I wish that would have tipped the scales. I am looking forward to the day this is all behind me. . . .