Crap. . .

I am at a major junction. My beliefs are crashing. Faith in what I thought were strong morals in in decline. I am emotional right now, so I am venting, but it is where I am at. I want to quit. I want to throw in the towel. I am over people. Trust is fucked. People do whatever they want. wake up and read the bold print Max. I'm either a Martyr, or a sucker. I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want to inspire. I want to just pay my penance, and fade into the sunset. . . . Maybe I am not cut out for my own love. Maybe I am supposed to learn from all this, and selflessly give what is left of me to my kids. I'll stop listening to those around me, and just listen to what is written. Life is telling me something. Talking is getting me nowhere. . . . . . . don't love me. I have nothing to give. I feel totally and utterly alone. Choices are coming. They are weighty, but they are going to have to be dealt with. I can rely on myself. That is good.

Life. .

so i think I figured something out this past few weeks. When you want change in your life, it is not the act of figuring out where you want to be, that makes you feel solid, but it is the acts of doing the things to get you there that make the difference. I have been feeling a lack of confidence lately in my life. I can dress, walk and act all I want but it does not truly make me feel confident. I think you can have outside validations to give you confidence by doing this, but it does not give you that core confidence. Core confidence flares and pulses through your body and generates energy, usually you can feel it when someone enters a room, or you stand near them. They can make you quiver a little even.
I have been getting back to the things that drive me lately. Exercise (yoga), back country skiing, running, diet, and such. I feel a lot better about myself. I have this ridiculous beard and I love it. I am still not anywhere I want to be physically, but the road to it is great. I love to push myself. I realized I can read all I want but sometimes. . you have to act. I am in it.

El Moto. .

I sold you today. Although you are awesome, you became a thing to me, much like all the things in my life. In the face of loss, it is funny how unimportant stuff becomes to you. I am finding it difficult to notice importance in the items around me. The most important part of my life was watching my children grow around me. . . now I see them 4 days a month. I am hoping they so not forget me. So. . in lieu of this, you became an item. I sold you for $5,000.00. I am pretty frickin proud of myself too. . . bye El Moto.

a reply. . .

This is a Facebook reply to my ex-wife. I did not send it. I cannot seem to find the closure I need in our marriage. It still haunts me after a year. I understand I have to accept that this is just something that "Happened to me." Some people get cancer, or lose their child. The old adage, "whoever told you life was fair lied," seems to fit well here. I still want to shout at her though, and tell her she fucked up a great marriage by being her own therapist. Whatever. I need to get over it. . . someday. . . her is the letter. . It is a response to her telling me she Loves me dearly, and it is too bad the past few years were so brutal. Also, we will have a relationship and blah blah. . .

I understand that I guess. I will always be frustrated that we never gave it a true shot Angela. I know you may have worked it out in your head, but being your own therapist is not trying. We didn't know what we were up against. I loved you so much, and I know you loved me, real love. I felt it and saw it in your eyes. We didn't know how to communicate our feelings and it caused a lot of unnecessary strife in our relationship. I here so many couples talk about a difficult couple years when they are discussing there 40 year marriage.
I didn't enter our marriage and speak my vows thinking I would give up. I thought in our separation we would try to work things out, and give it a try or something at least. It just seems that is was never that bad Angela. The issues we had were stimulated from where we were and what we didn't know. You realized you didn't want to be the person you had allowed yourself to become. I did not like who I was also. We didn't realize what had happened until too late. I am sad. . . . truly sad that you would trade our life that we had built for a new beginning.
I am not saying this to try to convince you of anything. I cannot seem to find closure in this and it hurts still. I feel used, lied to and mistreated in all this. I will never understand how you could have started a relationship with a friend to us. I gave so much of myself to our marriage and I feel like it accounted for nothing.
I am not looking for a pity party, but put yourself in my position. Do you know what it felt like to hear from our regulars about you and Ken? Did you ever consider what it might do to your loving husband? My "trust" capacity is fucked now. There is a wall that I cannot seem to get through when I meet someone. I cannot move forward with a new life because the girls. I love them and we need each other. I cannot find balance. .
I hear about people trying so hard and wanting so bad to have a family, and we let ours go Angela. We let it go. . .
Do you know how many nights I have spent with no sleep trying to figure out what I did to be here? There was such potential in us Angela. What could I have done? I could have done more?
How am I to find closure? I am soured and I am so tired of feeling this way. Can't we have it out with each other or something? Is that it? We never got to be pissed off at one another and really be face to face.
Tell me I'm a fucking asshole for something I did. Tell me I dropped the ball at being a husband! I failed or something but I need something. Tell me how sorry you are for making me go through what I did. Please Angela. . . do I have to just wait till it wears off?
You have never asked me how I am doing? Am I getting along ok? Maybe in passing when I drop the kids off but you have never reached out to me in a year. I was your husband and I feel swept away and traded in for a new model. It killed me to watch you date Ken, feeling the knife wound of betrayal sink deeper each time I saw his fucking Jeep in front of our home. The home we bought together for you on your birthday. I had to leave. . . I couln't bear it another minute. I died out on those concrete steps of my house 5 doors down.
You are not going to get this I decided. It will mean nothing to you. I loved you. I wish that would have tipped the scales. I am looking forward to the day this is all behind me. . . .

Facebook things. .

I just did my "25 thing" Facebook note today and it felt great to put some things out there and share a little of myself with my friends. I have received a number of really nice comments and messages about it. Some people who told me they cried and some that said because of what I wrote, they are now compelled to do theirs as well. I tried to think about me in a whole, and not necessarily where I am now. I am in an interesting crossroads right now and happy to be in it. I am figuring things out daily and more than willing to share myself. Stephanie, since you are reading this, you are very inspiring this way. You are sharp with your words and honest with your emotions. I admire that about you. Writing in my blog is going to be one of my daily/weekly tasks. I love to return to it and read it later.
I am missing my kids again. I'll call them tonight and remind them that Daddy loves them very much. I think that is good enough for them. Constant reminders are part of me... and part of how I love and show love. I gave that out in my 25 things. That was part of Angela's and my falling out. The inability to figure out what we were trying to say to onw another. That is cool. Lesson learned.
My brother wrote a really great song and I love the words. "Time's in need of changing, for better or for worse.. . and only time will tell if it's a blessing or a curse, retrospect so unfamiliar thinking 'bout what's gone. Time will always move so slow but now it's moving on." Time is moving on. . . . I am surfing it.

Making things happen. .

My phone rang this morning at 3:32 am. It was a pocket dial from Shannon, my sister in law. I never fell back asleep. The girls and I went to bed though at 9:00pm. I was exhausted, Sofia was sick and Emma needed the rest as well. They are actually still sleeping as I write this. My god. . they are beautiful when they sleep. Little angels. . .
So I layed there awake, listening to my Mac tell me it was 4:00. . then 5:00 then 6:00. . 2 and a 1/2 hours of me time. My mind runs a million miles an hour during these times, lots of thoughts and memories, both good and bad. I have been in a rut lately. No big secret. I think everyone can tell when I get into a funk, especially these days. I don't like to be in them but I don't know where I am at right now. I have been feeling really out of it all over again. Lonely, lost, out of control, no plan, unloved, forgotten, and low self esteem. Nice huh? I just read my last blog. Fucking depressing. I think though that I triggered somthing, at least one faction of my life that has been driving me batty. . . that is "Making it happen" for myself. .
I have been in a total whirlwind of what am I going to do and where am I going to live and what not. I just need to start and make it happen the way I want it. I used to be so great at that. I could make anything happen it seemed. I don't exactly know when I lost that and became so helpless but I feel it. I have been wanting a new fun life for myself and the kids. I need music but I don't rightly know that I want the band that I am in currantly. I want a house full of Musicians and climbers and have dinners and late night music jamming. I want health and clarity. . wow. . here it comes. . I want love. I want desire without fear. I want to feel like the days are not for getting by but for living. I am spiritually wracked. I am empty. I want to feel full of connection and meaning. I want to feel. I want to feel. I want to stop confusing the people that I love. I want to live with purpose again. I want yoga, and fitness everyday. I want to hang out and meet new people. I want to backcountry ski. I want to curb my terrible eating. I want to start today.
That was a lot to chew. I am not going to read it. Not today. But I will revisit all that jargun above this. Today. I will find a home. =)

I wonder if anyone else feels like I do. .

Moderately out of control.. I am coasting and I don't like it. I don't appreciate feeling this way. I am trying to chalk it up to this past year but that excuse it wearing thin to me. I cannot seem to get back into a rhythm that I like. I have constant feelings that what I am doing is wrong. That I am screwing things up as I go along here. I want to live. I want to work hard and play harder. . like I used to. Can I find that again? Where does that journey start? I would really like to get a handle on this. I have soooo much to do I feel like. I don't even know where to start. I would like to start to save for another coffee house. I really liked that lifestyle. I would like to start to save for my kids. I would like to get through with my old life. I want to love. . . and not be afraid of it. How am I going to ever feel like that again?
I just got my hours cut at work to three days a week. That is really what our bargain was. . I just got ahead of myself. I need a direction to really push myself and I don't know what that is. . . I'll find it. I think it is just a matter of time. . - M