3:11 am on Halloween Night . . .

I am out of my head. I just walked through the city . . . about 20 blocks through a maze of concrete, steel, and tripping people. That was truly surreal. I am having a great time. sweet. . . .

shit. . it is really sunny. . .

I think I will go out and find someone to throw the frisbee with down at the park. That sounds great. ha ha ha ha.

"freedom's just another word for",

"Nothing left to lose." That line, from Kris Kristofferson has so much intrinsic meaning to me these days. For so long I have been struggling. . almost a year now, and for a spirit like mine, that is normally airy, easy-going, and full of energy, that is a long time. The weight of a crushing divorce, hearing my child cry because I am no longer at home, and finally loss of mu business felt like a lot. and in the grand scheme of things, it was. Now, that I have blasted through most of it, and I am settling into a new life of sorts, I am seeing it all in a different light I think.
What is life? What does it all mean? What is our purpose? Who the fuck knows. . . I am realizing it is flying by so fast. My life. My precious life is moving by me and I had forgotten how to live for myself. I spent so much time trying to live for my wife and kids that I truly forgot about Max Mackey. oh my god. . how did that occur? Inherantly, this is my life. Angela has her life, and my kids will have theirs. Why did I think I needed to prove to them I was willing to sacrifice everything for them. They never asked that from me. hah. Pre-concieved notions are a bitch.
The reality of it is, whatever our reason for being here on this world is, it is ours. Ours alone. Is that selfish. Nope. I don't think so. Living your life for yourself creates a better person in you, and that inturn, put's you in a better spot in life for the rest of us. For so long I have been preching, everyone deserves to be happy, but I've not said it to myself. I want to be happy. I want to surround myself with people that I love, and love me for myself, and have the guts to go and sit next to a complete stranger and introduce myself and make a new friend. To try new things I have never done, and improve myself in the things that I do. You know what I call that? Living. L.I.V.I.N. - m
p.s. Sometimes you have to get hit really hard to see what your made of, and get back up.

struggling still. . . I am over it. .

Milestones. . . and loss. They are ever prevalent in my life right now. I felt like I was on a role with seeing past all this, but then something else rears up to cloud my view. 2008 has not been good to me. I can see the good things that I have and thank god for them or I'd really be in some shit. This Friday marks the end of my beloved business. I know that you are not supposed to attach yourself to your business but how can I not. I put my heart into it. The loss is looming in front of me. . I have 5 days. I saw today that Angela put Divorced on her myspace profile. I guess that makes it all more real to me. Today is the most beautiful day I have seen in a long time. The snow on the mountains against a clear blue Colorado day. I see it. I cannot feel it. Not today. Maybe next week.
Trust. I am hurting in this manner. It is broken? When I start something, it is in my nature to believe I can do it, and never give up. Maybe that is a flaw or maybe it is a gift. I trusted 100 Mile House to deliver, and then Dave gave up. I learned to trust again, and married Angela. Gave her a vow as she did me, and she gave up. MotoHaus feels like the final straw. Maybe I am destined to go it on my own. . . . that idea feels lonely.
Fuck. I hate it when I start the week with this mental state. Fuck it. Life is still good. I don't want to be a downer. . . . .

frustrated. .

This is a tough day. Started by bankruptcy process. I will have to come up with $4001.00 to my lawyer and $299.00 in court fees. They will take my house. They will close my business down. I will financially fucked for so long. I have already lost so much. I will not get any money back on taxes, but I have to pay the tax person $1,000.00. Fat Chance. I am feeling the need to crawl away and lay still in the dark for a long time. This year has been tough. I don't feel success on any level. I am thankful for the days and my children's health. I cannot believe after so much effort and strife I walk away with nothing but heartache. I have already plagued myself with the why-me's and I won't do that anymore. I know will head to Angela's house to start the divorce work. I am feeling really fucking selfish right now after all this. Why should I care about her or anyone else for that matter. I want to reside in my selfishness and not be bothered my anyone. I have that feeling where I want to book a flight under a false name, get off the plane somewhere and start again. Where noone knows Max Mackey, and noone cares.
I'll be 34 this month. I have nothing of value to show for it. Nothing to show for the hard work I did on the house. Nothing to show of the effort in my marriage. Heartache from my beloved business. What a waste I feel right now. I can't stand feeling this way. I just want to go home. . .

Big Days. .

So this is my girls first day back to school. I wish so bad I could be there with them. To hold them and tell them how proud I am of them. To show them I love them more than anything. To be a part of these days. Maybe they're nervous? Excited? I will have to ask them on Friday. I wrote them a letter today, and I will every Monday if I can. I will pursue them as much as I always have. Being away only has to feel as far away as I let it. Do I wish I could be with them everyday?? To be present as they grow and mature into beautiful young women. Yes. But what is . . . is. I am in acceptance mode these days. Decisions have been made and now it is time to make the best of them. No matter how hard they may be.
I love you Emma Rose Mackey. Good luck in First Grade honey. You make me so proud. . . .
I love you too my darling Sofia Grace. If you are nervous today going into Kindergarten, remember Daddy loves you, and don't be scared. I am sending you squeezes and hugs. I love you both so much. . . . . . so much. . . .

Musical Friends. . .

One of my most prized and valuable fortunes are the friends I have made musically. Musicians are a very unique breed of people. Creative and artistic and emotional. With that spectrum lies many strange characters for sure. When you connect with folks musically though, it creates a very special bond, that is tough as nails. Some of the greatest people in my life I have connected through music. I love you guys so much. . . you know who you are. I feel so fortunate to have stood beside you and laid it out there for the world to hear and ingest. You are as much me as I am you. We are brothers. . . .