"Nothing left to lose." That line, from Kris Kristofferson has so much intrinsic meaning to me these days. For so long I have been struggling. . almost a year now, and for a spirit like mine, that is normally airy, easy-going, and full of energy, that is a long time. The weight of a crushing divorce, hearing my child cry because I am no longer at home, and finally loss of mu business felt like a lot. and in the grand scheme of things, it was. Now, that I have blasted through most of it, and I am settling into a new life of sorts, I am seeing it all in a different light I think.
What is life? What does it all mean? What is our purpose? Who the fuck knows. . . I am realizing it is flying by so fast. My life. My precious life is moving by me and I had forgotten how to live for myself. I spent so much time trying to live for my wife and kids that I truly forgot about Max Mackey. oh my god. . how did that occur? Inherantly, this is my life. Angela has her life, and my kids will have theirs. Why did I think I needed to prove to them I was willing to sacrifice everything for them. They never asked that from me. hah. Pre-concieved notions are a bitch.
The reality of it is, whatever our reason for being here on this world is, it is ours. Ours alone. Is that selfish. Nope. I don't think so. Living your life for yourself creates a better person in you, and that inturn, put's you in a better spot in life for the rest of us. For so long I have been preching, everyone deserves to be happy, but I've not said it to myself. I want to be happy. I want to surround myself with people that I love, and love me for myself, and have the guts to go and sit next to a complete stranger and introduce myself and make a new friend. To try new things I have never done, and improve myself in the things that I do. You know what I call that? Living. L.I.V.I.N. - m
p.s. Sometimes you have to get hit really hard to see what your made of, and get back up.
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