I wonder if anyone else feels like I do. .

Moderately out of control.. I am coasting and I don't like it. I don't appreciate feeling this way. I am trying to chalk it up to this past year but that excuse it wearing thin to me. I cannot seem to get back into a rhythm that I like. I have constant feelings that what I am doing is wrong. That I am screwing things up as I go along here. I want to live. I want to work hard and play harder. . like I used to. Can I find that again? Where does that journey start? I would really like to get a handle on this. I have soooo much to do I feel like. I don't even know where to start. I would like to start to save for another coffee house. I really liked that lifestyle. I would like to start to save for my kids. I would like to get through with my old life. I want to love. . . and not be afraid of it. How am I going to ever feel like that again?
I just got my hours cut at work to three days a week. That is really what our bargain was. . I just got ahead of myself. I need a direction to really push myself and I don't know what that is. . . I'll find it. I think it is just a matter of time. . - M

1st post of 2009

What does that mean? Not a whole lot. Is there significance to 2009 or is it just another rising of the sun that we give cadence to? I'd like to think that is does for me, but I am finding out that it is just another day and another year. I thought that I could leave 2008 behind, and a fresh new day would start, and a re-invigorated life would begin but I struggle still. I am financially strapped, and am in the worst health that I have been in in some time and I am lonely. or. . . am I just in my 30's. hah. That is the question huh? What does it mean to be in your 30's? Does it mean you get to lay down and talk about all the fun things you've done in the past? Do you accept your belly and bad back and say. . "that is just the way it is?"
How about dating? Where the fuck am I with that? I am a mess when it comes to relationships. I helped destroy the one I was in I guess. I have a beautiful girl that seems to truly love me, but I cannot seem to accept it.
The way I enter a room and feel about myself is a direct reflection of how I feel about myself in the grand scheme of the world. I do not feel like much of a part of it. I am clinging to old feelings of dread and when left alone, which I often am, I cannot motivate like I would like. argh. Same old shit. I tell myself how I want to be, but when I attempt it, I seem to fail. What will it take for me to make the step???
I do mot feel in control of my life. I cannot depend on a paycheck. My life costs too much. I don't have a ski pass, and I don't have a climbing membership. Yet last night I went out and spent $70.00! WTF!! On top of that, I drank and ate too much. Exactly what I told myself I wanted to avoid in 20009. I never made a budget, and I haven't made a workout plan! What does that mean? Am I lazy? Depressed? Unwilling to engage in life? I don't know. I am fucking tired of coasting. sooooooooooo sick of it.
I owe a lot in my past life. I am scared of it. I don't have any idea on how to handle it. The CC companies call me all the time, and I have no answer.
This is a major bitch sess. I needed it I think. I am whacked today. I am happy to go and visit my friend though. I have not seen her in 2009 yet. ha ha ha.

A gorgeous December day. .

This is why I will never leave CO. It is 45 degrees outside and feels warmer than that out in the sun. I just had a stellar night last night with awesome new friends, and had a great day at work today. I fell like I could take on the world on days like today. The energy I have inside me is astounding. I was built well, and I am thankful for that. I am going to spend the rest of the day outside and then I have band practice and a date with my friend who I love to be around.
Isn't it funny how life is. One year ago, I was very different. . . . . . .

Farewell old friend. .

Friday I spent the afternoon with my sick buddy. Angela got Niko in 1999 when we were just dating but couldn't keep him at her apartment, so I raised him at the 100 Mile House, in Broomfield. When we married a year later, he became my only Boy, in a house of girls. =-) Harley came a little later. . .
He got cancer this winter, and died on Saturday, December 6th. The girls and I went back to Angela's house on Friday after school and spent a few more hours with him. I explained to them that he was sick and would not be there when we got back on Sunday night. They were shocked and sad, as they should be when you lose your friend. We spent the night decorating for Christmas and passing the time talking about Niko and memories we shared. I remember him for his cumming ability to escape and never get caught. I also remember his patience with the girls as they grew and climbed all over him. He barked at the door to always let us know when someone was there, and I always felt safe to have the girls home when he was there.
He was such a great dog. He was an amazing companion to a young family. He was a great boy for me. I will miss him so much. It hurts to think of him gone. Life is a timeline of snapshots. I have many of him. I am thankful I got to know him so well. I love you Niko Mujica. I'll see you again. . . . .

3:11 am on Halloween Night . . .

I am out of my head. I just walked through the city . . . about 20 blocks through a maze of concrete, steel, and tripping people. That was truly surreal. I am having a great time. sweet. . . .

shit. . it is really sunny. . .

I think I will go out and find someone to throw the frisbee with down at the park. That sounds great. ha ha ha ha.

"freedom's just another word for",

"Nothing left to lose." That line, from Kris Kristofferson has so much intrinsic meaning to me these days. For so long I have been struggling. . almost a year now, and for a spirit like mine, that is normally airy, easy-going, and full of energy, that is a long time. The weight of a crushing divorce, hearing my child cry because I am no longer at home, and finally loss of mu business felt like a lot. and in the grand scheme of things, it was. Now, that I have blasted through most of it, and I am settling into a new life of sorts, I am seeing it all in a different light I think.
What is life? What does it all mean? What is our purpose? Who the fuck knows. . . I am realizing it is flying by so fast. My life. My precious life is moving by me and I had forgotten how to live for myself. I spent so much time trying to live for my wife and kids that I truly forgot about Max Mackey. oh my god. . how did that occur? Inherantly, this is my life. Angela has her life, and my kids will have theirs. Why did I think I needed to prove to them I was willing to sacrifice everything for them. They never asked that from me. hah. Pre-concieved notions are a bitch.
The reality of it is, whatever our reason for being here on this world is, it is ours. Ours alone. Is that selfish. Nope. I don't think so. Living your life for yourself creates a better person in you, and that inturn, put's you in a better spot in life for the rest of us. For so long I have been preching, everyone deserves to be happy, but I've not said it to myself. I want to be happy. I want to surround myself with people that I love, and love me for myself, and have the guts to go and sit next to a complete stranger and introduce myself and make a new friend. To try new things I have never done, and improve myself in the things that I do. You know what I call that? Living. L.I.V.I.N. - m
p.s. Sometimes you have to get hit really hard to see what your made of, and get back up.