guilty as charged. .

Oppressing. That is the weight I feel. I feel guilty as I know there are many who would be desperate for my "problems." Those with real, life changing issues, who would give anything for a shot at my life. When I think about those less fortunate than me, it makes me bummed at myself for allowing myself to slide as I have. What else can I do thought? They are in my face and I cannot get around them, and they are mine. I can only internalize what I feel and can feel for no one else, only empathize.
MotoHaus is struggling. It is not happening the way it needs too and I am saddened by the very idea it may not succeed. Although I have read you need to pull yourself out of the equation when it comes to your business, if it fails, it will feel like a direct reflection on me. Much like my marriage. Why? I think it is the way I am wired. I cannot separate. MotoHaus is me, whether I like it or not. It is as much a part of me as I am a part of it. Losing it will crush me. Add this to my marriage and it will make for a very harrowing year. I am so close. . . . so close. . . .
How much more could I do? Probably lots I expect. But for some reason I am struggling to find a break and some normalcy which is in-turn most likely hurting profits. I could host party after party, and event after event, but at what point can I pull away? Never? shit. . that is not what I want. I want to work smarter . . .not harder. Maybe I'll do a summer party and get some bands lined up. That would probably be fairly easy. hmmm. . .argh. I think also having loost my partner on all this I feel a bit overwhelmed too. To have to tackle all this. I thought I could do it and retain my vigor but I think (at least this week) ha ha that I am burning low. If this was all I had to contend with would I be able to handle it? If I didn't have so much other emotional baggage would that change things? Who fucking cares about that statement. I'd better find the strength because neither of them are going to go away thinking about crap like that. Feel me? That is me in a nutshell these days. All the while trying my dambdest to never show this around the two most important people in my life. Emma and Sofia, who have done nothing to deserve anything but the best childhood. I am looking forward to a nice sleep and a mellow morning tomorrow. I have earned it. rest. . . . sounds good. Peace.