manage thyself. .

Jesus. Sometimes the rollercoaster of life is absoutely wonderful, and other times, I just don't get it. Why does it have to be so hard? Because nothing great comes easy. . . . right. Got it. hah. Sometimes I feel like I have it under control. My emotions, my thoughts, my direction, and my commitments. Then. . . poof. They feel like they are gone? Am I going nuts? Honestly. I am not staying committed. I am talking about it, but I am cheating myself. Fuck. Why do I do this to myself? argh.
I told myself I was going to take a break from relationships in my life. I was going to focus on myself, and my business. I have not done what I said I was going to to. I am suffering for it. Maybe I am being to hard on myself? Don't know. Maybe I am setting to stiff of goals? That is usually not the case for me. I can crank when I want to. But maybe that was a long time ago. Have I changed? Can I not be the same person I used to be? Do I need to get to know a "new" me? I am 35 this week. I am not the passionate, ambitious 25 year old any more.
I don't even know how I'll spend this birthday. I feel like I don't have really close friends anymore. My closest friends are married and busy. This sounds like a pity party, but it is really just opening up the floodgates of my head.
I am still lonely. Denying it does me no good. I am learning to live with it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I am who I am. I will wake up tomorrow and hit the gym really hard, like I try to do when I am lonely, and push away the emotions. I will go to work and enjoy myself. I really will. . but it seems like at some point in the day, the feeling will come. No one to come home too. . no one to share it all with. I miss my girls so much. They are so close, and yet unreachable on the level I want. I try not to call them, as it upsets Sofia. My babies. . .
Ok. I think I have unloaded enough. It is depressing. ha ha. This is good therapy.

Tomorrow, I will walk like a God. I will tackle the day like Max Mackey. Goals Max. Goals. Focus. Commit! . . . . . .

writing feels good. . . .

You are precious. Gorgeous, and loved by god or whoever you choose to accept into your heart. That is the wonder of private feelings and thought. They are yours to believe and to have faith in. Noone should try to change you or bend your will to theirs. I believe that I am made special, and I am so thankful for that. I try to walk through life with courage yet carry humility in my arms and use it as a weapon against ego and close minded-ness. I think I have always had my own version of what I believe in, and it often does not sit well with the devout, but I could care less. I believe that if there is a god, then he loves me for my thoughts and well as how I carry myself through life. I appreciate the gifts I have and try to be "good" and act as I ought to.

I want to love someone and feel love again. I want to press myself against naked skin and blend together with someone. . . Through the heartbeats that are felt in these times. . . I want to kiss deeply and passionately, and have someone feels how I feel through this act alone. I want to make gorgeous, cloud breaking love and have frustrated, enthusiastic sex and let my masculinity come forth. This is how I live. This is how I am most prized through the world I know. This is the frustration that lies in me. I have this inside, and it is squandered through the days as they pass. I use it for strength, but would rather share it. Using it's power to crush through the waves of days that stand before me.

two days in the orient. . .

So it is tuesday. I have been in Singapore since sunday night, and I love it. Since before I left I have heard it been called, "Asia Light", or "Disney world with less asians," but honestly I couldn't see it, and then I decovered it last night. Dave and I were on our own after the rehearsal (which was chaotic but more on that later) so we got dropped off at a local destination called Riverfront Pointe. We headed to a brewpub for a really over priced drink. The alcohol here is really ridiculously expensive. A bad beer is anywhere from $5 to $10 dollars. I have already paid over $11 but that was at a cheesy mexican joint. A pitcher of margs was $74! hah. so anyhow. . Riverfront was a total ex-pat hangout. Just a bunch of white meatheads all puffed up. The bars were cheesy and the clientel were worse. I cannot believe how bad I wanted to get the fuck out of there. The walk out brought us through a slew of more ridiculous bars and clubs with more of the same, all enshrouded by this wild canopy of colors and shapes. The "Disney World" I had heard about. I have to say though, this is just one area of Singapore. The rest is not like this at all. We actually had to seek this area out. So far, I have encountered nothing but very pleasent people, with a great quality of life. Dave and I have sought out Hawkers, these little food battle zones of cheap authentic food. Incredible! I have eaten great local food for around $3 sing. About $2.50 us. That is what I came here for. Not crappy pub food or shit mexican! For a ton of money too!
I am really glad this is my first Asian experience. I wish I had more time but I have to remember. I shouldn't even be here. John bought me this ticket, so helping with the wedding is part of my duties. Plus, I have been swimming in his olympic size pool daily and working out also. It has been a great vacation so far. Tomorrow night we head to Sentosa, a little island, south of Sing, for cocktials with the entire wedding. Should be a great time. Dave and I have had what we jokingly call, "Max and Dave's great gay adventure." ha ha. It cracks me up everytime. We have been just basically been exploring singapore via train and bus. Walking through shops and taking in whatever we encounter. Today we found a super high end music store, packed with $6,000 gibsons and rare Fenders! All this in the bottom of a random shopping center called Katong shopping center.
The shopping centers are VERY different from what we are used to as Americans. They are more like office building with tightly packed in little boutique business's, specializing from everything from bad Chinese knockoffs to +$5,000 indian rugs. Very surreal. . .
It has been not a big deal at all intaking all the cultures abound in Singapore. Indians, Singaporian, Japanese, Chinese, and ex-pats, all packed in here. I love it. Walking down side streets with all the cultures meddled together is incredible. I am like a kid in a candy store. The food is my favorite so far. So many little food shops, all with there own unique style. I love it. We are off for Indian tonight. yum. Two nights ago we ate crazy indian food off banana leaves, all washed down with over priced heineken beer. Laughing and carrying on with great friends. So much fun. . . so far, not looking forward to returning. ha ha. We'll see on Monday. I am outta here. .. more later. . . Peace. .

First travel across the seas. .

Whew. I just finished a 14 hour flight to Hong Kong. 14 hours, 4 movies, and two meals, locked in a big tube, at 33,000 feet above the ocean. Man. . . . but I am here in Hong Kong. . kind of. .

I really wish I had a layover here in this great city!! I am bummed to be just hanging out in the airport. Kind of like picking up a beautiful guitar, but not being able to play it. Or sitting behind the wheel of a '65 Vette, yet not having the keys.

Being honest, I have always been a bit scared of the unknown. Travel definitely hits a nerve. That I'll be disoriented, or be taken advantage of, or get lost of something. Like most experiences in life though, once I am in it, it is just what it is. Granted, I have not really done anything yet, as I sit in the airport, but I thought I would be nervous arriving, and not know where to go. Quite the opposite. Everyone here has been very open to my lack of knowledge and helped me to my gate. Most of the signs are in english as well. . . whoa. . . the announcer lady over the intercom has a crazy lisp? How did she get this job? ha ha. That is wild.

So I have just a few more hours till I get to singapore and hang out with my friends. I am stoked to see them. whoops. . time to board. I'll be back. . . - M

Been gone a little while. .

Don't know why that is. I guess I have had not much to say? I think more it was a case of me flailing about a little. Sometimes I forget to take time for myself, and I wind up over extending myself, leaving me with no time. My friend Annette helped remind me of that. Time -Space -Solitude. It has been a while since I have focused on that at all. I have been hitting it pretty hard since I moved to Boulder. Lots of people and being out. Lot's of Music too. Add that to my already chaotic life of single parenting and presto. . . I'm out.

The last two days have been really great. I got a lot of stuff done I have needed to get done, and a am all ready for my parents and my kids to come. I will have a full house! I love it though. . maybe a little stressful, But I am stoked. I miss my family terribly. I looked at pictures of Angela, Me and the girls. I had a moment but then it went away. I don't miss her any more. I went to her Facebook and I really could have cared less. Nice. ha ha. That may not mean much to most people but it means a lot to me. I spent a lot of nights and days hurting over her. I am grateful for father time and the loss of emotions.

My life has changed so much in the past year and a half. I thought it would have done me in, but life prevails. I have met some great people this past year. My house mates are really great people. I have connected with one of my great friends, Cheryl. Life is good. I am solid.

I met a girl. I think I like her. I thought I would not feel anything like that again. She is great and I expect nothing to come from it. I am happy with the feeling of being interested. It has been a while.

I am listening to David Gray. It is late. I am groovin man. . . .

another move. .

yeesh. From my house to the Mellow Yellow, to the Brooks tower, to the Highlands, and now to Boulder. All in just over a year. I am over it. But. . . happy. That is the thing right? That is what I always say all people deserve. The right to be happy. I am living in a cool house with some seemingly cool people.
My kids and I have our space and that is important to me. We can bike everywhere we need to go which is fantastic since my car is muy viejo. Boulder seems to offer some really great stuff too. .
I think tonight, the girls and I will make dinner and then maybe bike into town to play on Pearl St, and get Ice Cream! Yes! tomorrow is a BBQ with the Konold's and then Katrina's Birthday. Sunday is all about us again, and fun stuff we want to do. I am really stoked to see my kids this weekend. I miss them all the time. . but by Friday. . it is really hard to stay focused. =) I love the weekends. . . yeehaw.

Feeling trapped

Not Healthy. I am stuck mentally and financially. Financially because the money Angela has come after me for is more than I have. I truly don't know what to do? Mentally because I feel guilty about how this effects me. I should be able to rise above this. My friend Josh Dawson just passed away from cancer he fought for many years. Leaving a wife and child. I cannot imagine that. That is real heartache. So I am trying to balance my own emotions here. I should be stronger but I also want to fight. . FUCK! Not so fun for a saturday. . . . I have to go write checks for more than I have. . this blows. Sorry. this is truly just venting. I'll be more in-depth next time. Grey Saturday. .