struggling still. . . I am over it. .

Milestones. . . and loss. They are ever prevalent in my life right now. I felt like I was on a role with seeing past all this, but then something else rears up to cloud my view. 2008 has not been good to me. I can see the good things that I have and thank god for them or I'd really be in some shit. This Friday marks the end of my beloved business. I know that you are not supposed to attach yourself to your business but how can I not. I put my heart into it. The loss is looming in front of me. . I have 5 days. I saw today that Angela put Divorced on her myspace profile. I guess that makes it all more real to me. Today is the most beautiful day I have seen in a long time. The snow on the mountains against a clear blue Colorado day. I see it. I cannot feel it. Not today. Maybe next week.
Trust. I am hurting in this manner. It is broken? When I start something, it is in my nature to believe I can do it, and never give up. Maybe that is a flaw or maybe it is a gift. I trusted 100 Mile House to deliver, and then Dave gave up. I learned to trust again, and married Angela. Gave her a vow as she did me, and she gave up. MotoHaus feels like the final straw. Maybe I am destined to go it on my own. . . . that idea feels lonely.
Fuck. I hate it when I start the week with this mental state. Fuck it. Life is still good. I don't want to be a downer. . . . .

frustrated. .

This is a tough day. Started by bankruptcy process. I will have to come up with $4001.00 to my lawyer and $299.00 in court fees. They will take my house. They will close my business down. I will financially fucked for so long. I have already lost so much. I will not get any money back on taxes, but I have to pay the tax person $1,000.00. Fat Chance. I am feeling the need to crawl away and lay still in the dark for a long time. This year has been tough. I don't feel success on any level. I am thankful for the days and my children's health. I cannot believe after so much effort and strife I walk away with nothing but heartache. I have already plagued myself with the why-me's and I won't do that anymore. I know will head to Angela's house to start the divorce work. I am feeling really fucking selfish right now after all this. Why should I care about her or anyone else for that matter. I want to reside in my selfishness and not be bothered my anyone. I have that feeling where I want to book a flight under a false name, get off the plane somewhere and start again. Where noone knows Max Mackey, and noone cares.
I'll be 34 this month. I have nothing of value to show for it. Nothing to show for the hard work I did on the house. Nothing to show of the effort in my marriage. Heartache from my beloved business. What a waste I feel right now. I can't stand feeling this way. I just want to go home. . .

Big Days. .

So this is my girls first day back to school. I wish so bad I could be there with them. To hold them and tell them how proud I am of them. To show them I love them more than anything. To be a part of these days. Maybe they're nervous? Excited? I will have to ask them on Friday. I wrote them a letter today, and I will every Monday if I can. I will pursue them as much as I always have. Being away only has to feel as far away as I let it. Do I wish I could be with them everyday?? To be present as they grow and mature into beautiful young women. Yes. But what is . . . is. I am in acceptance mode these days. Decisions have been made and now it is time to make the best of them. No matter how hard they may be.
I love you Emma Rose Mackey. Good luck in First Grade honey. You make me so proud. . . .
I love you too my darling Sofia Grace. If you are nervous today going into Kindergarten, remember Daddy loves you, and don't be scared. I am sending you squeezes and hugs. I love you both so much. . . . . . so much. . . .

Musical Friends. . .

One of my most prized and valuable fortunes are the friends I have made musically. Musicians are a very unique breed of people. Creative and artistic and emotional. With that spectrum lies many strange characters for sure. When you connect with folks musically though, it creates a very special bond, that is tough as nails. Some of the greatest people in my life I have connected through music. I love you guys so much. . . you know who you are. I feel so fortunate to have stood beside you and laid it out there for the world to hear and ingest. You are as much me as I am you. We are brothers. . . .

So I am off to play the biggest festival I have ever been able to play in. THUNK is playing with some major acts. There is going to be some big open jams late night and I plan on finding the guts to get up on stage and jam with these guys. What better way to find you edge and expand it. I am nervous as hell but what the fuck? Who cares. I am where I am musically. I feel good about it and cannot wait to put it out there. Sweet!! Looking forward to a good old fashion blow out. . .

Off to do Denver things. .

Girls and I are off to the Aqaurium. Our first excursion. I'll take pics and get back to you. We're going to ride our bikes. . . now where is that sunscreen? . . . .

New Home

so we made it. . . I am a Denverite. I live in a little tiny 700 square foot studio, my shit is all over the place, and I love it. I am stoked. I think mainly I finally have mental respite from all the mayhem with Angela. I have moved on, just like everyone has said for the past months. I am excited all over again and I can honestly say I hope Angela finds what she is looking for. I get parking next month, and that will be the icing on the cake. It is kind of chaotic right now, but once I get my space I can bring El Moto down with me too, which I am excited about. I am on the hunt for anothe MotoHaus Location next week too. I am stoked about that for sure. I get to do it again and meet all sorts of new faces and make new relationships. Here I come. . . .