Relationships

I am so at odds with this right now. I have so much turmoil about where I am and where I feel I ought to be, in the manner of relating to women. So many have come and gone, blam, just like that. What is it about me that is pushing them away? Is it me? I have nothing else to grasp onto. No closure from most of them. They meet me, and they are intrigued. There is connection, and then disappearance. over and over again. . .
Is it the women I am attracted to? Is it an age? A youthfulness? There are very specific women who want me. Want to be with me. Willing to make a go at a relationship, yet those women, I do not want. Do I feel this is giving in? Settling? I remind myself that I may very well just not be ready. I am finally over Angela, and settled with myself. I actually feel ok about me. That feels really solid. Maybe the world is telling me, now it is time to love myself again, and walk within love throughout the world. If I choose love, shouldn't it be that love will than choose me? I like the sound of that for sure.
I am made with love. I have so much of it to give. I feel best when I choose decisions based upon love, even though they are sometimes very hard. Anger or hate comes much easier. Love must be tapped into. ahhh such a quest.
I love my children. They are so patient with me. I wonder if they understand me? Do they understand how broken I was? Do they feel that? Do they feel how much I love them when I hold them? I stare at them sometimes and as I am right now, I tear up, with just the thoughts of them in my brain. They have shown me a capacity for love I never knew existed. I am so grateful for that, and for them.
I feel self pity when I talk about my personal relationships. Poor me. What the fuck is up with that? Where does that come from? Rejection is an issue for me. I have to sit with that, and be honest about it. I feel so much more comfortable in scenario's where I look and feel good. On another level though, I am totally over it. I yearn for the challenge. The feeling of control over myself, and my decisions. I do not feel that now. I feel lazy, and unsuccessful. When will I begin the next journey?
Even as I write this, I feel better. I know in my heart I will meet another love. Maybe I already have? I know that I have two little ladies that have my heart all wrapped up. They are more than worth my energy and direction.

Just checking in. . .

Life is good. Not great but good. Summer was a blowout. New Job, kids half time, dealing with Ken moving in, tons of music, change, life, the universe and everything. hah. Funny how it goes.

I am making good money and I'm able to save. Not super stoked on the job but trying to remain neutral and remind myself it is just a job. Life is outside of it. I will not allow myself to dwell in the chaos and inefficiency of the event center. It is hard not too, it seems everyone that works there fuels it, and manifests it from the top down. Next time I go there, (Today) I will breathe a little bit before I go in there. I need to learn to center myself before it crashes on me like a wave of negativity.

Just started road bike riding again and loving it all over again. Like a kid with a new toy. I think taking so much time off of exercise this summer was actually fine. Sometimes you need a break. Or at least I'll sell myself that way. ha ha.

Music has been epic. New gear, new challenges with MCP. My guitar playing is really coming along. THUNK has renewed vigor. MCP continues to rock great gigs. I miss playing more electric shows with THUNK, but that'll come. I am learning to take things in stride more and more these days. Not so much stress.

Lonliness is a little tough. Angela has another new guy and even though I don't want that back, I feel like a want something. When I see her so happy my ego chimes in "why not me?" That is silly but it just is. I miss having a family all around me. I think that is the real issue.

So that is my little check in. Off to kill it on a road ride. Here is to keeping my chin up. :)

life the universe and everything. . .

staring right now at my two little angels. I bought them bunkbeds last night, set them up so we all have our own beds. All in one room! jesus. . Organized Chaos. Somehow we make it work though. It always seems to work out. Even packing all of us into this room at a house I share. I am comfortable, but I am not accepting of this life. I am ready for my own space, and I am ready to start a new life.
Transition has been strange. I call my life between marriage/divorce and being where I am now, transition. It was three years. wow. . . that went fast. I played and raged and fucked and laughed and met and lost and won and cried and hurt and learned. Crazy life is sometimes. . .

I think what brings me here presently is a new job and new emotions. I have a consistent job with a company I love, where I am making decent money and I met a girl that I really fell for. It feels like an opportunity to grow. I lost the girl I think. She was really wonderful, sweet, and sassy, and full of life. I am busy tho. I am a single parent, and my job is tough. She wants more than I can give, and she should not fold on this. It'll do neither of us any good. I woke thinking about her today. and told her so. Not to try and get her back or anything, but I believe in telling others how you feel, and so I did. I really liked her tho. . a lot. I'll miss her.

It is the liking her that makes me pretty happy tho. I haven't felt anything of that nature since my divorce. Women have liked me, but I have been shut down. It is good to hurt a little, and realize that I have it in me to love again.

Do you wake up one day and realize you are ready? Lately I have been really jonesing to meet someone and date. To connect on a stronger level. I loved how I felt with Jena. It was great. Is that a product of being 35? or is it the effect of healing after the hurt? strange that right now I am craving connection. I am definitely lonely. It is cool. I'm not going to die from it, but I'd like to meet someone I like and put some effort into a relationship. I think tho, I should watch out for being needy. Sometimes I get needy when I am hurting a little. I think it drove Angela crazy and maybe even drove a wedge into Jena and mine's relationship. So much to think about when dating with kids tho. I find it hard to be casual about things. . . maybe I am still in repair, and Mayer would say. Im not together, but I'm getting there. Fuck, that resonates pretty well with me right now. I should probably put the kabosh of dating for a while. Get it together again.. .

we'll see. I have 5 days off with the kids. I am broke, and owe a lot of rent and child support. I think we'll get outta dodge and go camping. Peace out. - M

Transition. .

I think this term helps me to accept where I am. Struggling for the past two years is getting old. I feel like I have no idea of where I am going, I only know where I came from. Is this par for the course? for all of us? I guess so. The past is behind, a closet full of lessons and experience, and we are free to choose what we want from them. Choices. . . free will. . . the light. . . so tough.

The proverbial "darkness." The darkness we choose, over the light, because the light is such a tougher road, filled with indecision, questions, and unanswerable insight. The darkness is where I believe a was. Married, children, a subsequent goal of raising my children and then on to spending my days with Angela. Moderately thougthtless, but fun and full of experiences none-the-less. Is that what Angela was speaking of when she told me I was unhappy? Had I become mundane? It is what I cling too, to make it all make sense. It was easy though. Not gonna lie. It is so muc tougher being here, forced to deal with larger questions such as, "why?" "What now?" "who am I?" I am struggling through these daily. Who is "I?" Why are we a product of how we are viewed?

Is there an answer? Do you wake up and realize that you have is figured out? Or is how you view the world truly dependent on how your mind accepts? Your mind is 100% affected by what your body feels and senses. The fact that we are really here, interacting, speaking to one another, running, feeling. . all of it. Ought that not be enough? What I am doing right now, is a wonder. How do I move past the clutter? I think part of the problem is we are looking for some sort of "answer", when the answer might be, simply that, "this is it." This is what it is, enjoy it, which is really tough to do when you have been conditioned your whole life. The grass is greener options, the "what if" concepts. Getting a hold on these are difficult.

My friend took a 10 day vow of silence, and meditated for 10 hours a day. Truly a journey of the mind. He told me that it is the only true way to get your mind to accept this theory. Your mind accepts what is knows as truth. What is can grasp as reason. Much like, the concept of HOT, comes from touching a stove. There, it understands. Imagine no contact, or stimulation for ten hours. Imagine what the mind does, and where it goes. I am intrigued.

I strive daily to accept where I am at, and calm my mind. Listen to my breathing, and love the moments. Love the Moments. . . .

manage thyself. .

Jesus. Sometimes the rollercoaster of life is absoutely wonderful, and other times, I just don't get it. Why does it have to be so hard? Because nothing great comes easy. . . . right. Got it. hah. Sometimes I feel like I have it under control. My emotions, my thoughts, my direction, and my commitments. Then. . . poof. They feel like they are gone? Am I going nuts? Honestly. I am not staying committed. I am talking about it, but I am cheating myself. Fuck. Why do I do this to myself? argh.
I told myself I was going to take a break from relationships in my life. I was going to focus on myself, and my business. I have not done what I said I was going to to. I am suffering for it. Maybe I am being to hard on myself? Don't know. Maybe I am setting to stiff of goals? That is usually not the case for me. I can crank when I want to. But maybe that was a long time ago. Have I changed? Can I not be the same person I used to be? Do I need to get to know a "new" me? I am 35 this week. I am not the passionate, ambitious 25 year old any more.
I don't even know how I'll spend this birthday. I feel like I don't have really close friends anymore. My closest friends are married and busy. This sounds like a pity party, but it is really just opening up the floodgates of my head.
I am still lonely. Denying it does me no good. I am learning to live with it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I am who I am. I will wake up tomorrow and hit the gym really hard, like I try to do when I am lonely, and push away the emotions. I will go to work and enjoy myself. I really will. . but it seems like at some point in the day, the feeling will come. No one to come home too. . no one to share it all with. I miss my girls so much. They are so close, and yet unreachable on the level I want. I try not to call them, as it upsets Sofia. My babies. . .
Ok. I think I have unloaded enough. It is depressing. ha ha. This is good therapy.

Tomorrow, I will walk like a God. I will tackle the day like Max Mackey. Goals Max. Goals. Focus. Commit! . . . . . .

writing feels good. . . .

You are precious. Gorgeous, and loved by god or whoever you choose to accept into your heart. That is the wonder of private feelings and thought. They are yours to believe and to have faith in. Noone should try to change you or bend your will to theirs. I believe that I am made special, and I am so thankful for that. I try to walk through life with courage yet carry humility in my arms and use it as a weapon against ego and close minded-ness. I think I have always had my own version of what I believe in, and it often does not sit well with the devout, but I could care less. I believe that if there is a god, then he loves me for my thoughts and well as how I carry myself through life. I appreciate the gifts I have and try to be "good" and act as I ought to.

I want to love someone and feel love again. I want to press myself against naked skin and blend together with someone. . . Through the heartbeats that are felt in these times. . . I want to kiss deeply and passionately, and have someone feels how I feel through this act alone. I want to make gorgeous, cloud breaking love and have frustrated, enthusiastic sex and let my masculinity come forth. This is how I live. This is how I am most prized through the world I know. This is the frustration that lies in me. I have this inside, and it is squandered through the days as they pass. I use it for strength, but would rather share it. Using it's power to crush through the waves of days that stand before me.

two days in the orient. . .

So it is tuesday. I have been in Singapore since sunday night, and I love it. Since before I left I have heard it been called, "Asia Light", or "Disney world with less asians," but honestly I couldn't see it, and then I decovered it last night. Dave and I were on our own after the rehearsal (which was chaotic but more on that later) so we got dropped off at a local destination called Riverfront Pointe. We headed to a brewpub for a really over priced drink. The alcohol here is really ridiculously expensive. A bad beer is anywhere from $5 to $10 dollars. I have already paid over $11 but that was at a cheesy mexican joint. A pitcher of margs was $74! hah. so anyhow. . Riverfront was a total ex-pat hangout. Just a bunch of white meatheads all puffed up. The bars were cheesy and the clientel were worse. I cannot believe how bad I wanted to get the fuck out of there. The walk out brought us through a slew of more ridiculous bars and clubs with more of the same, all enshrouded by this wild canopy of colors and shapes. The "Disney World" I had heard about. I have to say though, this is just one area of Singapore. The rest is not like this at all. We actually had to seek this area out. So far, I have encountered nothing but very pleasent people, with a great quality of life. Dave and I have sought out Hawkers, these little food battle zones of cheap authentic food. Incredible! I have eaten great local food for around $3 sing. About $2.50 us. That is what I came here for. Not crappy pub food or shit mexican! For a ton of money too!
I am really glad this is my first Asian experience. I wish I had more time but I have to remember. I shouldn't even be here. John bought me this ticket, so helping with the wedding is part of my duties. Plus, I have been swimming in his olympic size pool daily and working out also. It has been a great vacation so far. Tomorrow night we head to Sentosa, a little island, south of Sing, for cocktials with the entire wedding. Should be a great time. Dave and I have had what we jokingly call, "Max and Dave's great gay adventure." ha ha. It cracks me up everytime. We have been just basically been exploring singapore via train and bus. Walking through shops and taking in whatever we encounter. Today we found a super high end music store, packed with $6,000 gibsons and rare Fenders! All this in the bottom of a random shopping center called Katong shopping center.
The shopping centers are VERY different from what we are used to as Americans. They are more like office building with tightly packed in little boutique business's, specializing from everything from bad Chinese knockoffs to +$5,000 indian rugs. Very surreal. . .
It has been not a big deal at all intaking all the cultures abound in Singapore. Indians, Singaporian, Japanese, Chinese, and ex-pats, all packed in here. I love it. Walking down side streets with all the cultures meddled together is incredible. I am like a kid in a candy store. The food is my favorite so far. So many little food shops, all with there own unique style. I love it. We are off for Indian tonight. yum. Two nights ago we ate crazy indian food off banana leaves, all washed down with over priced heineken beer. Laughing and carrying on with great friends. So much fun. . . so far, not looking forward to returning. ha ha. We'll see on Monday. I am outta here. .. more later. . . Peace. .