missed opportunities. .

I saw this couple sing last night. A beautiful duet. It reminded me of a girl I used to date. We sang together and I loved it! I realized not too long ago that I really missed the boat on that one. She was really the best woman I have known. I chalk that one up to timing as I just wasn't able to wade through my own bullshit at that point in life, and there are no take backs, but it sure is tough sometimes to look back on things you may have missed. Love is like a lottery ticket. Pretty hard to get the winning one, well. . . at least for me. ha ha ha

Life has a funny way of guiding me, and I usually let it be. Maybe someday I'll find my duet again.

I'm writing music again. That feels really good. I have today off and I am planning on finishing a song, working out, running errands and general shit like that.

This post sucks. hah. I am obviously not into it. I'll be back. . .

Oh my. It has been a very long time since I have written in this blog. I've missed this. :) That is life for me though, ebb and flow. Maybe it is a lack of commitment? or distraction? or healing after a storm. . . I think I write more when I have something to say. That could be a challenge for me. To stay active on my blog just because it is good for me to get thoughts and ideas out in to space. . .

I'll have to consider that.....

Happy thanksgiving world. I am off to San Fransisco with my girls. Really looking forward to five days off. I'll try to write while I am there. Peace - Max

Catching up and moving forward

Three years. . give or take. That is how long it has been since Angela first told me she wanted to separate. I believe it is three years this Christmas. She told me right before. Nice huh? Merry Christmas. I remember being so upset. I wanted to run. I had worked so hard for my family, at least with the best of intentions. I have learned alot about myself in these past years. That sometimes 'Good intentions' can be fueled by the self, and what not. That is an entirely different post, to be tackled later.

Today I deposited $3,000 into Angela's account. That is on top of the $800 I pay her. I got a "we need to talk" response. I am nervous. I am still nervous from the day three years ago when she probably said, "we need to talk." I hope I am wrong. I feel she is going to say she wants more. . always more, always more. It is so fucking hard to be attached to her. I have 11 more years of this shit. She has no idea what some women go through with their ex's. I want to make a stand so bad. To tell her to fuck off. To drag her to court. I know who suffers though. Me. The girls. All of us. No one wins in that situation, so I try to take the high road. Remind myself the money isn't important anyway. It's a hard test though. To work so hard and then give it away. I am trying to get ahead myself, and I keep taking steps backwards. Fuck.

Part of me wants to run away to Greece. On a little island where no one can find me. ( that is me whining ) Of course I could never leave my girls. They are everything to me. I'll beat this thing ad move on. I always do. I need to sell a motorcycle and pay her off once and for all. Then she can fuck off for real.

I have been looking for property in Fort Collins. To be closer to my kids. I don't know what I'll do for work, but I'll figure it out. Maybe open another coffee house? School? Something. I look forward to week on with my kids and week off. I cannot wait to offer them real summers where they are not two weeks here and two weeks there. . but to be signed up for soccer and softball or what ever they want. And be able to do it. That schedule is what makes me want to go back to school and get my masters degree, so I have summers free with the girls. And real trips around the globe. Not a week here of three days there, but a month! yes! Sounds good to me. . .

My thoughts for the day. There you go world. I still have no idea what lays in store for me when I speak to Angela. I hate this shit. . . . ugh. . . Just want to get it over with.

Relationships

I am so at odds with this right now. I have so much turmoil about where I am and where I feel I ought to be, in the manner of relating to women. So many have come and gone, blam, just like that. What is it about me that is pushing them away? Is it me? I have nothing else to grasp onto. No closure from most of them. They meet me, and they are intrigued. There is connection, and then disappearance. over and over again. . .
Is it the women I am attracted to? Is it an age? A youthfulness? There are very specific women who want me. Want to be with me. Willing to make a go at a relationship, yet those women, I do not want. Do I feel this is giving in? Settling? I remind myself that I may very well just not be ready. I am finally over Angela, and settled with myself. I actually feel ok about me. That feels really solid. Maybe the world is telling me, now it is time to love myself again, and walk within love throughout the world. If I choose love, shouldn't it be that love will than choose me? I like the sound of that for sure.
I am made with love. I have so much of it to give. I feel best when I choose decisions based upon love, even though they are sometimes very hard. Anger or hate comes much easier. Love must be tapped into. ahhh such a quest.
I love my children. They are so patient with me. I wonder if they understand me? Do they understand how broken I was? Do they feel that? Do they feel how much I love them when I hold them? I stare at them sometimes and as I am right now, I tear up, with just the thoughts of them in my brain. They have shown me a capacity for love I never knew existed. I am so grateful for that, and for them.
I feel self pity when I talk about my personal relationships. Poor me. What the fuck is up with that? Where does that come from? Rejection is an issue for me. I have to sit with that, and be honest about it. I feel so much more comfortable in scenario's where I look and feel good. On another level though, I am totally over it. I yearn for the challenge. The feeling of control over myself, and my decisions. I do not feel that now. I feel lazy, and unsuccessful. When will I begin the next journey?
Even as I write this, I feel better. I know in my heart I will meet another love. Maybe I already have? I know that I have two little ladies that have my heart all wrapped up. They are more than worth my energy and direction.

Just checking in. . .

Life is good. Not great but good. Summer was a blowout. New Job, kids half time, dealing with Ken moving in, tons of music, change, life, the universe and everything. hah. Funny how it goes.

I am making good money and I'm able to save. Not super stoked on the job but trying to remain neutral and remind myself it is just a job. Life is outside of it. I will not allow myself to dwell in the chaos and inefficiency of the event center. It is hard not too, it seems everyone that works there fuels it, and manifests it from the top down. Next time I go there, (Today) I will breathe a little bit before I go in there. I need to learn to center myself before it crashes on me like a wave of negativity.

Just started road bike riding again and loving it all over again. Like a kid with a new toy. I think taking so much time off of exercise this summer was actually fine. Sometimes you need a break. Or at least I'll sell myself that way. ha ha.

Music has been epic. New gear, new challenges with MCP. My guitar playing is really coming along. THUNK has renewed vigor. MCP continues to rock great gigs. I miss playing more electric shows with THUNK, but that'll come. I am learning to take things in stride more and more these days. Not so much stress.

Lonliness is a little tough. Angela has another new guy and even though I don't want that back, I feel like a want something. When I see her so happy my ego chimes in "why not me?" That is silly but it just is. I miss having a family all around me. I think that is the real issue.

So that is my little check in. Off to kill it on a road ride. Here is to keeping my chin up. :)

life the universe and everything. . .

staring right now at my two little angels. I bought them bunkbeds last night, set them up so we all have our own beds. All in one room! jesus. . Organized Chaos. Somehow we make it work though. It always seems to work out. Even packing all of us into this room at a house I share. I am comfortable, but I am not accepting of this life. I am ready for my own space, and I am ready to start a new life.
Transition has been strange. I call my life between marriage/divorce and being where I am now, transition. It was three years. wow. . . that went fast. I played and raged and fucked and laughed and met and lost and won and cried and hurt and learned. Crazy life is sometimes. . .

I think what brings me here presently is a new job and new emotions. I have a consistent job with a company I love, where I am making decent money and I met a girl that I really fell for. It feels like an opportunity to grow. I lost the girl I think. She was really wonderful, sweet, and sassy, and full of life. I am busy tho. I am a single parent, and my job is tough. She wants more than I can give, and she should not fold on this. It'll do neither of us any good. I woke thinking about her today. and told her so. Not to try and get her back or anything, but I believe in telling others how you feel, and so I did. I really liked her tho. . a lot. I'll miss her.

It is the liking her that makes me pretty happy tho. I haven't felt anything of that nature since my divorce. Women have liked me, but I have been shut down. It is good to hurt a little, and realize that I have it in me to love again.

Do you wake up one day and realize you are ready? Lately I have been really jonesing to meet someone and date. To connect on a stronger level. I loved how I felt with Jena. It was great. Is that a product of being 35? or is it the effect of healing after the hurt? strange that right now I am craving connection. I am definitely lonely. It is cool. I'm not going to die from it, but I'd like to meet someone I like and put some effort into a relationship. I think tho, I should watch out for being needy. Sometimes I get needy when I am hurting a little. I think it drove Angela crazy and maybe even drove a wedge into Jena and mine's relationship. So much to think about when dating with kids tho. I find it hard to be casual about things. . . maybe I am still in repair, and Mayer would say. Im not together, but I'm getting there. Fuck, that resonates pretty well with me right now. I should probably put the kabosh of dating for a while. Get it together again.. .

we'll see. I have 5 days off with the kids. I am broke, and owe a lot of rent and child support. I think we'll get outta dodge and go camping. Peace out. - M

Transition. .

I think this term helps me to accept where I am. Struggling for the past two years is getting old. I feel like I have no idea of where I am going, I only know where I came from. Is this par for the course? for all of us? I guess so. The past is behind, a closet full of lessons and experience, and we are free to choose what we want from them. Choices. . . free will. . . the light. . . so tough.

The proverbial "darkness." The darkness we choose, over the light, because the light is such a tougher road, filled with indecision, questions, and unanswerable insight. The darkness is where I believe a was. Married, children, a subsequent goal of raising my children and then on to spending my days with Angela. Moderately thougthtless, but fun and full of experiences none-the-less. Is that what Angela was speaking of when she told me I was unhappy? Had I become mundane? It is what I cling too, to make it all make sense. It was easy though. Not gonna lie. It is so muc tougher being here, forced to deal with larger questions such as, "why?" "What now?" "who am I?" I am struggling through these daily. Who is "I?" Why are we a product of how we are viewed?

Is there an answer? Do you wake up and realize that you have is figured out? Or is how you view the world truly dependent on how your mind accepts? Your mind is 100% affected by what your body feels and senses. The fact that we are really here, interacting, speaking to one another, running, feeling. . all of it. Ought that not be enough? What I am doing right now, is a wonder. How do I move past the clutter? I think part of the problem is we are looking for some sort of "answer", when the answer might be, simply that, "this is it." This is what it is, enjoy it, which is really tough to do when you have been conditioned your whole life. The grass is greener options, the "what if" concepts. Getting a hold on these are difficult.

My friend took a 10 day vow of silence, and meditated for 10 hours a day. Truly a journey of the mind. He told me that it is the only true way to get your mind to accept this theory. Your mind accepts what is knows as truth. What is can grasp as reason. Much like, the concept of HOT, comes from touching a stove. There, it understands. Imagine no contact, or stimulation for ten hours. Imagine what the mind does, and where it goes. I am intrigued.

I strive daily to accept where I am at, and calm my mind. Listen to my breathing, and love the moments. Love the Moments. . . .